The Joker

Joke: Wife: I'm not talking to you! Husband: OK. Wife: Don't you want to know the reason? Husband: No, I respect and trust your decision.

Joke: Comic sans implies the existence of tragic sans.

Joke: I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Joke: Lettuce come together. Romaine Calm. This may be just the tip of the iceberg.

Joke: Ladies, if he is... is hot, always smells good, makes your mouth water, tastes amazing, leaves you feeling happier than ever... That's not your man. That's a taco!

Joke: A flat-chested young lady went to Dr. Smith about enlarging her tiny breasts. Dr. Smith advised her, "Every day after your shower rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." She did this faithfully for several months and it worked! She grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus closed her eyes, and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." Little Johnny sitting nearby looked at her, "By any chance, are you a patient of Dr. Smith's?" "Why, yes I am... How did you know?" He leaned closer, winked, and whispered, "Hickory Dickory Dock..."

Joke: How late do cows stay up?

Joke: What did one llama say to the other llama?

Joke: A blonde thinking to herself, "If it wasn't for the man who discovered electricity, we'd all be watching TV by candlelight."

Joke: I've been diagnosed with Kleptomania... but I'm taking something for it!

Joke: My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't listening were you?" I thought, "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

Joke: I respect giraffe’s... They’re an animal I can look up to.

Joke: How do you know if a wooden box is sick?

Joke: What's a ghosts favorite food?

Joke: What did the skeleton say to the dog?

Joke: A snail gets mugged by a couple turtles and when the cops asked him for a description of the turtles he told them "I don't know, it all happened so fast"

Joke: My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes...it Taurus apart.

Joke: Where do ghost's go on vacation?

Joke: What do skeletons travel around in?

Joke: Why did the hamburger go to the gym?

Joke: Why are graveyards so noisy?

Joke: Why are skeletons so calm?

Joke: Why do vampires need mouthwash?

Joke: This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you’re going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

Joke: Why are ghosts terrible liars?

Joke: It's been six months since I joined the gym and still no progress. I'm going there tomorrow to find out what's going on.

Joke: What would be the national holiday for a nation of vampires?

Joke: A couple of cows were smoking a joint and playing cards... The steaks were pretty high.

Joke: Where do ghosts like to travel on vacation?

Joke: How to you find Will Smith in the snow?