The Joker

Joke: You want to how to get back on your feet?

Joke: Why is milk the fastest liquid on earth?

Joke: Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if someone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back.

Joke: How do you make an octopus laugh?

Joke: What do sex and golf have in common?

Joke: What do you call a moose with no name?

Joke: A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him they don't serve string in his bar and to get out. The rope goes outside messes up his hair, ties himself up, and walks back into the bar. The bartender sees him and says "aren't you the rope that was just in here"? The rope responds "not me, I'm a frayed not".

Joke: Life is all about ass: You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one.

Joke: I drank so much wine last night, when I walked across the dance floor to get another glass, I won the dance competition.

Joke: Grandma and grandpa where watching healing service on TV. The Pastor told all who wanted to be healed to put on hand on the TV and the other hand on a body part that wanted healing. Grandma slowly put one hand on the TV and the other on her arthritic shoulder. Grandpa too got up, put one hand on the TV and the other on his private parts. Grandma looked at him and says... "Dear, I guess you just don't get it do you? The purpose is to heal the sick NOT to raise the dead"!

Joke: Where do mermaids look for jobs?

Joke: The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhands and sent an agent to investigate him. IRS Auditor asks "I need to talk with you about your employees and how much you pay them". Boat Capitan responds "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for about 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board". IRS auditor "That's fair, so who is the other guy on the boat that I see in your records. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the workaround here and only makes about $10 per week and it says you buy him a bottle of Bacardi and a twelve-pack once a week too. Also says he gets to sleep with your wife occasionally?" the IRS Auditor says "That's the guy we want to talk to". The Boat Capitan replies "That would be me, what do you to know?"

Joke: What is a livestock's favorite math tool?

Joke: What can you find in a ghost's nose?

Joke: Wife, "My aerobics instructor says I've got the chest of a 23 year old!" Husband, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?" Wife, "We never mentioned you!"

Joke: What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Joke: Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?

Joke: I went to church today and the preacher came over to me and said, "You will walk today." I told him I wasn't paralyzed, but he said it again with more enthusiasm. After the service, I went outside and my car was gone!

Joke: Did you know... Sharks will only attack you when you're wet?

Joke: Does anyone remember the joke about a chiropractor I put on here about a week back?

Joke: How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but don't ask me how they got in there.

Joke: A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls. When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off. "What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant. "Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off." "Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

Joke: Why did the Mafia cross the road?

Joke: What do you call a lesbian with long nails?

Joke: People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their a$$ from a hole in the ground.

Joke: Are you a banana?

Joke: Why should you never break up with a goalie?

Joke: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?

Joke: I have a horse named Mayo... Mayo neighs!

Joke: Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. Paid my $2, then he says, "Once upon a time there was this lobster...".