The Joker

Joke: Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the crap out of them until the light comes on!

Joke: The devil shows up in a church and everyone runs out but an old man. The devil says, "Why don't you run, aren't you afraid of me?" The old man replies, "Nope, I'm married to your sister!"

Joke: Why did the Easter Egg hide?

Joke: Why are vampires afraid of cows?

Joke: A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

Joke: What do you get when you pick a pig's nose?

Joke: What is a police officer's favorite sweater?

Joke: My wife had her driving test today. She got eight out of ten. The other two jumped out of the way!

Joke: What did Batman do in the bathroom?

Joke: So I woke up and my dog is laying on the back patio covered in dirt with a rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit's not bloody, just dirty. My neighbor's kids raise blue-ribbon rabbits. I instantly knew it was one of theirs. ???? I took the rabbit away from my dog, rushed inside, and washed all the dirt off it before my neighbors could come home. It was stiff but I heard some animals play dead when they are afraid but I couldn't remember which ones. I took it and placed it back in one of the cages in their back yard then I ZOOMED back home. (Don't judge me ????) Not 30 minutes later I hear my neighbors screaming so I go out and ask them what's wrong? They tell me their rabbit died three days ago and they buried it but now it's back in the cage.

Joke: If you had to choose between eating tacos everyday or being skinny for the rest of your life - would you choose hard or soft tacos?

Joke: Once upon a time there was a king who was only twelve inches tall. He was a terrible king, but he made a great ruler.

Joke: If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch?

Joke: I’ve started my new job at the toy warehouse. There are only two of us that work on a production line for Dracula figures. I have to make every second count.

Joke: My neighbor told me he is a vegetarian.⁠.. I told him I thought that was a big missed steak.⁠

Joke: I finally realized it. People are prisoners of their phones... that's why they are called Cell Phones!

Joke: Why did the kitten smell so good?

Joke: I watch my dog chase his tail for five minutes and thought, "Wow! Dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase his tail for five minutes.

Joke: I'm a grown up... I groan when I get up!

Joke: When I was young, air at gas stations was free. Now they charge $1.50... That's inflation for you!

Joke: Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.

Joke: What's the difference between a pack of pigmies and a women's track team?

Joke: If you notice cows sleeping in a field, does that mean it's pasture bedtime?

Joke: What do lemons say when they answer the telephone?

Joke: How do you fix a damaged Jack-O-Lantern?

Joke: Why is Dracula so easy to trick on Halloween?

Joke: What did the ghost say to his wife?

Joke: Did you hear about the Super Hero with a lisp that always works out?

Joke: How did the crazy guy get through the jungle? He took a psycho path.

Joke: Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetive state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." They got up, unplugged my computer and threw away my wine! The little ingrates.