The Joker

Joke: A wife finds a note from her husband on the fridge one morning. My dear wife. You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you being 57 years old can no longer satisfy am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this letter I hope that you will not wrongfully interpret the fact that l will be spending the evening with my 19-year-old secretary at the comfort inn hotel. Please don’t be upset-l shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night he found the following note on the dining table. My dear husband I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about me being 57 years old I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 57 years old As you know am a math teacher at our local college I would like to inform you that while you read this l will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael one of my students who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young virile and like your secretary is 19 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation although with one small difference 19 goes into 57 more times than 57 goes into 19. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.

Joke: Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.

Joke: Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Joke: Picked up a hitchhiker. Seemed like a nice guy. After a few miles, he asked me if I wasn't afraid that he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killer being in the same car were extremely unlikely.

Joke: If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I'm self-employed and we're having a staff meeting.

Joke: Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while, they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married. One broom was, of course, the bride broom and the other the groom broom. The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress. The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo. The wedding was lovely. After the wedding, at the wedding giddier, the bride broom leaned over and said to the groom broom, "I think I am going to have a little broom." "Impossible!" said the groom broom. "We haven't even swept together yet!"

Joke: Did you hear about the circus fire?

Joke: Did you hear about the kidnapping at the School?

Joke: Doctor, "I'm just waiting for your x-ray." Blonde, "But I never dated anyone named Ray." Doctor, "And we might do a brain scan."

Joke: What did the ghost say to his wife?

Joke: My brother mounted a dartboard on the ceiling of his man cave. This made me throw up.

Joke: A pirate goes to the doctor's and says, "I have moles on my back!" The Doctor: "It’s ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again! I think there be ten!"

Joke: How does the Easter Bunny keep his fur looking so good?

Joke: My friend is changing his bands name to 999 Megabytes because they never got a gig.

Joke: Why are dogs like cell phones?

Joke: What Do You Get If You Cross Bambi With A Ghost?

Joke: I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport... I do it for the kicks!

Joke: How do you fix a broken tomato?

Joke: The biggest difference between time and money: You always know how much money you have but you never know how much time you have.

Joke: Someone sent me an email about using vodka for cleaning around the house... it worked! The more vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked.

Joke: I tried to come up with a carpentry pun that woodwork. I think I nailed it, but nobody saw it.

Joke: 1) If COVID-19 doesn't take you out can I? 2) Is that hand sanitized in you pocket or are you just happy to be within 6ft. of me? 3) Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead. 4) You can't spell virus without U and I. 5) Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because, I can be your Prince Charmin. 6) I saw you from across the bar. Stay there. 7) Without you my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf. 8) Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink? 9) You can't spell quarantine without "U R A Q T". 10) I really can't stay. 11) Baby it's COVID-19 outside.

Joke: A Buddhist goes up to a hotdog vendor and says "make me one with everything".

Joke: A train worker was struck by lightning... He was a great conductor!

Joke: Why couldn't the green pepper practice archery?

Joke: Who is Irish and sits outside all day?

Joke: What do you get when you cross a lesbian and a dinosaur?

Joke: What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?

Joke: Why should you stand in the corner if you get cold?

Joke: Did you hear about the mathematician who was afraid of negatives?