The Joker

Joke: Where do baby fish sleep?

Joke: A big nose is not an excuse to not wear a mask! I mean, I still wear underwear!

Joke: What do polar bears like to eat?

Joke: Why do tigers have stripes?

Joke: What does a clock do when it gets hungry?

Joke: Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

Joke: Ever notice how many towns are named after their water tower?

Joke: I just called my bank and told them that they counted wrong so I want to find $11,780 in my account by tomorrow!

Joke: How long is this social distancing supposed to last? My wife keeps trying to come in the house.

Joke: My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him, "If you don't mind, I'd like a second opinion." He said, "All right. You're ugly too!"

Joke: What is the capital of Texas?

Joke: Why did the two EMT's travel together?

Joke: I've no idea why my new plug in air freshener won't work, I plug it in and switch it on.. nothing!....It just doesn't make scents.

Joke: Loosing weight doesn't seem like it's working, so I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

Joke: How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Joke: I heard on the news that Search and Rescue had plucked 2 stranded fishermen out of the ocean and were looking for their capsized boat. I thought, Gee, how are they ever going to find something that small.

Joke: Doctor: Your girlfriend Is pregnant. Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story... A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts BANG at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.

Joke: What do you call a pig that does karate?

Joke: Lego store reopens after lockdown! Folks lined up for blocks!

Joke: Rest in peace boiling water... You will be mist.

Joke: My wife has just fallen over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes. I just sat back and watched it all unfold!

Joke: A memory was something you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider home. A virus was the flu. A cd was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2" floppy... you just hoped nobody found out.

Joke: Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too, especially chicken, pork, and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again. The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed and told me not to do it again. I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous person I admired most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders." Guess where I am now...

Joke: Have you heard the latest rumor about butter?

Joke: A corporation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on the top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but a$$holes!

Joke: What did the sushi say to the bee?

Joke: How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

Joke: How does an astronaut cut his hair on the moon?

Joke: My new girlfriend and I were driving to my parents, when she got a flat tire. So, I called my parents and said, "Sorry mom, we're going to be late. My girlfriend's got a puncture." "Oh!", she sighed. "I thought you had a real one this time."

Joke: David Hasselhoff walked into a bar and ordered a drink. "It's a pleasure to serve you Mr. Hasselhoff," said the bartender. "Just call me Hoff," the actor replied. "Sure," the bartender said, "no hassle."