The Joker

Joke Count: 1234
Joke: I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I grounded him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly...
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Joke: Mark was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Mark decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Mark. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Mark soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Mark. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Mark thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Mark. Although he survived, it took several months before Mark fully recovered. Now Mark was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Mark, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?
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Joke: I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember applying for a job there.
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Joke: What do you call a tree that does science experiments?
Punch Line
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Joke: The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 2.2 gallons of beer, which means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon!
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Joke: Put a glass of wine in each room of your house and call it a wine tour.
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Joke: What’s the difference between a liter of Coke and deer testicles?
Punch Line
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Joke: I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep.
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Joke: Money. May not make you happy. But will pay for vacation, lunches, dinners, cars, houses, flowers, children education, medical bills, and tacos!
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Joke: An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her dad on "Take your kid to work day." As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. He father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly; "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"
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Joke: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?
Punch Line
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Joke: I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker... But when I got home all the signs were there!
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Joke: As you get older, you've gotta stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years."
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Joke: I was accused of stealing a thesaurus. I was not only shocked but appalled, aghast, and dismayed.
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Joke: Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
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Joke: Grandpa, what are you doing on the porch with no pants on? Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.
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Joke: How much does a skeleton weigh?
Punch Line
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Joke: This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please just press one?" So I did... I don't remember much after that.
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Joke: I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
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Joke: I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new years but no one likes a quitter, so here is my New Years resolution. 1080p!
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Joke: Why did the farmer bury his money?
Punch Line
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Joke: Santa got stuck in a chimney a few years back? Now he gets Claustrophobia.
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Joke: What do you give a sick lemon?
Punch Line
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Joke: I almost tripped over my wife’s bra the other day... I'm sure it was a booby trap.
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Joke: Husband asked his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?" Wife, "Because I don't like calling you when you're at work."
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Joke: What does the painter do when he gets cold?
Punch Line
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Joke: A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt. The man says "I'll take a beer ...and one for the road"
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Joke: So a hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it now.
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Joke: Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Punch Line
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Joke: What part of the hospital has the least privacy?
Punch Line
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