The Joker

Joke: Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted?

Joke: I Called my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really, Thanks boss, see you next week!"

Joke: Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather passed away, Allie went straight to her grandparents house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack when we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Allie told her grandmother that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, we figured the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing to strenuous, simple in wth the ding and out with the dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued. "He'd still be alive if the ice-cream truck hadn't come along."

Joke: A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about. For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover. In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totalling $95,000. He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.' The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving!! He almost burst with happiness. 'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?' 'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

Joke: My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I've picked the 5th of June, July 17th, and October 9th!

Joke: A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" The husband replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."

Joke: I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I grounded him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly...

Joke: Mark was excited about his new .338 rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That bear was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Mark decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Mark. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Mark soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Mark. That bear was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have rough sex." Again, Mark thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Mark. Although he survived, it took several months before Mark fully recovered. Now Mark was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it, Mark, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

Joke: An 80-year-old lady was arrested for shoplifting. Judge: "What did you steal?" She replies, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her how many peaches were in a can? She replied, "Six." Judge: "Ok, I'll give you six days in jail." Before the judge could pronounce the punishment, the husband spoke up and said, "What about ht can of peas!"

Joke: I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember applying for a job there.

Joke: What do you call a tree that does science experiments?

Joke: The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 2.2 gallons of beer, which means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon!

Joke: Put a glass of wine in each room of your house and call it a wine tour.

Joke: What’s the difference between a liter of Coke and deer testicles?

Joke: I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep.

Joke: Money. May not make you happy. But will pay for vacation, lunches, dinners, cars, houses, flowers, children education, medical bills, and tacos!

Joke: An eight-year-old girl went to the office with her dad on "Take your kid to work day." As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting very cranky. He father asked what was wrong with her. As the staff gathered around, she sobbed loudly; "Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?"

Joke: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Joke: I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker... But when I got home all the signs were there!

Joke: As you get older, you've gotta stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years."

Joke: I was accused of stealing a thesaurus. I was not only shocked but appalled, aghast, and dismayed.

Joke: Grandpa, what are you doing on the porch with no pants on? Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

Joke: How much does a skeleton weigh?

Joke: This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please just press one?" So I did... I don't remember much after that.

Joke: Why don't mummies take time off?

Joke: I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

Joke: I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new years but no one likes a quitter, so here is my New Years resolution. 1080p!

Joke: Why did the farmer bury his money?

Joke: Santa got stuck in a chimney a few years back? Now he gets Claustrophobia.

Joke: What do you give a sick lemon?