The Joker

Joke: What’s the difference between a liter of Coke and deer testicles?

Joke: I don't trust stairs... They're always up to something.

Joke: I think I need to lose some weight. I tried to sit up earlier and ended up rocking myself to sleep.

Joke: Money. May not make you happy. But will pay for vacation, lunches, dinners, cars, houses, flowers, children education, medical bills, and tacos!

Joke: What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

Joke: I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker... But when I got home all the signs were there!

Joke: As you get older, you've gotta stay positive. For example, the other day I fell down the stairs. Instead of getting upset, I just thought, "Wow, that's the fastest I've moved in years."

Joke: I was accused of stealing a thesaurus. I was not only shocked but appalled, aghast, and dismayed.

Joke: Grandpa, what are you doing on the porch with no pants on? Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck. This is your grandma's idea.

Joke: This morning I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, "Would you please just press one?" So I did... I don't remember much after that.

Joke: I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.

Joke: I was going to quit all my bad habits for the new years but no one likes a quitter, so here is my New Years resolution. 1080p!

Joke: Why did the farmer bury his money?

Joke: Santa got stuck in a chimney a few years back? Now he gets Claustrophobia.

Joke: What do you give a sick lemon?

Joke: I almost tripped over my wife’s bra the other day... I'm sure it was a booby trap.

Joke: Husband asked his wife, "Why don't you tell me when you orgasm?" Wife, "Because I don't like calling you when you're at work."

Joke: What does the painter do when he gets cold?

Joke: A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt. The man says "I'll take a beer ...and one for the road"

Joke: Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?

Joke: What part of the hospital has the least privacy?

Joke: The Doc told me I was going deaf... It was hard to hear.

Joke: My friend quit his job as manager of a muffler shop. Said he was tired of coming home every night exhausted.

Joke: Pat is at the airport with a sack over each shoulder. When he is stopped at customs they fin that both sacks are full of mobile phones. When asked why Pat said, "Well, while I was on my travels in America, I got a phone call from my mate Mick and he told me he was starting a Jazz band and could I bring him two saxophones."

Joke: I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!

Joke: A kid keeps lying to his father so the dad buys a lie detector robot who will slap him if he tells a lie. The next morning the father asks his son where he was the night before. "I was at Joeys house doing my homework" The robot slaps him. His dad says that was a lie and asks what was he really doing. The kid says "we were watching Toy Story" and he gets slapped again. When he asks again what were you really doing, the kid admits they were watching porn. "See when you tell the truth you won't get slapped". The dad then says "when we were kids we didn't even have porn" The robot then slaps the father. The mom laughs and says" well he is you kid after all". So the robot slaps the mom.

Joke: 6:30 is hands down the best time on any clock.

Joke: What do you call a cheap circumcision?

Joke: Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?

Joke: A wise man once told his wife nothing, because he was a wise man.