The Joker

Joke: I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised!

Joke: A kid keeps lying to his father so the dad buys a lie detector robot who will slap him if he tells a lie. The next morning the father asks his son where he was the night before. "I was at Joeys house doing my homework" The robot slaps him. His dad says that was a lie and asks what was he really doing. The kid says "we were watching Toy Story" and he gets slapped again. When he asks again what were you really doing, the kid admits they were watching porn. "See when you tell the truth you won't get slapped". The dad then says "when we were kids we didn't even have porn" The robot then slaps the father. The mom laughs and says" well he is you kid after all". So the robot slaps the mom.

Joke: 6:30 is hands down the best time on any clock.

Joke: A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?" "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."

Joke: What do you call a cheap circumcision?

Joke: Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?

Joke: A wise man once told his wife nothing, because he was a wise man.

Joke: Why Iron-man and not Fe-male?

Joke: I asked my granddaughter to fetch me a newspaper. She laughed and said, "Grandpa you are so old, just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall and killed that annoying fly.

Joke: What do you call a football player that likes dad jokes?

Joke: What was the goal of the detective duck?

Joke: Why did the baker open a tortilla factory?

Joke: I got in touch with my inner self today... That's the last time I buy 1-ply toilet paper at the dollar store.

Joke: What kind of bird works at a construction site?

Joke: What do you call a thieving alligator?

Joke: My wife yelled down from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No." She responded, "How about now?"

Joke: If two vegans get into an argument... is it still considered a beef?

Joke: Where does Dad keep his Dad jokes?

Joke: If you ever receive an email titled "Ding Dong", do not open it. It's a Jehovahs Witness working from home.

Joke: What do runners do when they forget something?

Joke: How do you make a tree-stand?

Joke: Santa's been reading your posts all year... Most of you are getting dictionaries for Christmas.

Joke: Why didn’t the toilet paper make it across the road?

Joke: When chemists die, they barium.

Joke: What is a monster's favorite dessert?

Joke: A big nose is not an excuse to not wear a mask! I mean, I still wear underwear!

Joke: Why do tigers have stripes?

Joke: What does a clock do when it gets hungry?

Joke: Most people don't think I'm as old as I am until they hear me stand up.

Joke: My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.