Why are there Pop-tarts but no Mom-tarts?
Because of the pastry-archy.
What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
When I was about 7 years old, my mom forced me to go with her to the funeral of a friend of hers that I didn't know. When we got there, I stayed in a corner waiting for the funeral to end. Then a man approached me and said: "Enjoy life, boy. Be happy because time flies. Look at me now, I didn't enjoy mine." He patted my head and left. Before leaving, my mom forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled to see the man who was talking to me in the corner was the same one in the coffin. For several years, I was not able to sleep properly because of nightmares. Years later, I discovered that the dead man had a twin brother.
A Mexican Bandido crossed the border into the US, robbed a bank in a small town, and then slipped across the border back into Mexico. The sheriff of the small town went after him across the border. He trailed him tenaciously for several days and then cornered him in the cantina in a small town, not far from the border. After a brief struggle, the sheriff overpowered the robber, put his gun to the robber's head, and said: "Tell me where you hid the bank's money, or I'll blow your head off!" - But the Bandido did not understand English. But a Mexican guy in the cantina - who understood English, volunteered to be a translator. So he translated to robber what the sheriff said. "O.k., o.k., 1," Said Bandido in Spanish - "I hid the money in the hollow tree, by the road, outside the town!". "What did he say?" asked the sheriff. "He said; "Go ahead!, - You wouldn't dare kill me here in Mexico!" - Answered the translator.
Where ever there are 4 Irishmen together..There`s a 'FIFTH'..
Lawyer to James Cagney before his trial: "I think the best thing would be if you pleaded the fifth!"..- Cagney: ''I am not PLEADING the FIFTH - if I can TAKE it!"..
What do you do if you get shipwrecked in the middle of the Ocean?
You just take a bar of soap, and wash yourself ASHORE. :)
Mike and his pal Tim were on a short visit to Mike's grandma. While Mike was in the kitchen chatting with her, Tim was in the living room - watching TV. Then he noticed a plate of peanuts on the coffee table. He took it and started snacking on peanuts. After a few minutes, Mike finished his chat with grandma and the boys started to leave. At the door, Tim shouted to her, but she still is in the kitchen, "Ma'am!, I ate some of the peanuts you had on the table. Thank you!". "Ooh!", granma replied joyfully. "I'm glad someone ate them. Because, since I lost all my teeth, I could not eat them anymore..All I could do is suck all the chocolate off of them!"
Do you hear about the Rabbi who didn't charge for circumcisions?
He only took tips.
Why is Z the best letter in the alphabet?
Because the rest of the letter are not Z's!