Did you hear about the kidnapping at the School?

It was no big deal, he woke up.

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A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything ok, pal? the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she isn't talking to me for a month!" Trying to put a positive spin on things the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?" The guy replies, "Yeah, but today is the last day!"

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My friend has a trophy wife... Apparently, he didn't get first place.

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I just ate a bunch of Scrabble tiles accidentally... My next trip to the bathroom could spell disaster.

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What part of a museum has the most allergies?

The stachoooo!

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What does it take to be an organ donor?

Guts!

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Someone called my phone today, sneezed, and then hung up.

I’m really getting sick of all these cold calls.

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Why did the thief wear blue gloves?

He didn't want to get caught red-handed

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Where does a turtle go when it's raining?

Into a SHELL-ter.

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What is made of leather and sounds like a sneeze?

A-shoe!

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