What do you get when you cross a shark with a skunk?
As far away as possible.
POV: You're a cop and your partner's name is Phil. You just watched a woman commit a crime on the senate floor, "Phil Uhhhh Bust Her." (Filabuster)
I'm now at the age when "Picking up a hottie" means buying a rotisserie chicken at Costco.
What if a minister loses his suitcase?
He becomes a Minister without Portfolio!
Yo Momma is so fat that people thought she was a planet colliding with Earth.
Why did the golfer bring an extra pair of pants?
In case he got a hole-in-one!
Little Johnny's teacher was giving a lesson on the importance of learning from mistakes. She asked the class, "Can anyone give me an example of a mistake they learned from?" Little Johnny eagerly raised his hand. "I can, teacher!" "Okay, Johnny, please share your example." Johnny stood up and confidently began, "Last week, I was playing in the living room and my dad was watching a football game. I asked him where the remote was, and he told me it was next to the phone. So I went and picked up the phone, but I couldn't find the remote anywhere." The teacher, puzzled, asked, "So what was the mistake, Johnny?" Johnny grinned, "Well, it turns out my dad said 'phone', but what he actually meant was 'next to the couch'. I learned that sometimes parents don't say what they mean, and next time, I'll just look around more carefully!" The teacher laughed and said, "That's an interesting lesson, Johnny. But next time, try listening more carefully too!" Johnny nodded, "Sure, teacher. Or maybe I'll just keep the remote with me!"
Why did the jar of Nutella break up with the peanut butter?
Because it found someone sweeter!
What did the good egg say to the bad egg?
Last one out of the carton is a rotten egg!
