The Joker

Joke: Some people won't admit their faults. I would, if I had any.

Joke: Chill, Scro, you do a kick-ass job and you get a full pardon. - President Camacho

Joke: Do you hear about the Rabbi who didn't charge for circumcisions?

Joke: Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech tree says to the birch tree, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker into!"

Joke: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?

Joke: I had to break up with my tennis player girlfriend... Love meant nothing to her!

Joke: Grandchildren are spoiled because you can't spank Grandma!

Joke: What was the most popular dance in 1776?

Joke: In which river are you sure to find snakes?

Joke: Why do Leprechauns like to garden?

Joke: Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?

Joke: I'm really afraid someone is going to win this election!

Joke: Quitting Is Easy, It's Not Starting Again That's Hard.

Joke: I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.

Joke: I just spent $300 on a limousine and discovered the fee does not include a driver. Can't believe I spend all that money and have nothing to chauffeur it!

Joke: I will never help anyone again......EVER! I'm too kindhearted, or I'm too naive. Last night it was so cold out that we took a man into our home out of the kindness of our hearts. We felt so sorry for him, poor thing was standing stiff and frozen out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him. The last straw?!?! When I realized he had peed all over the floor! That's the “thank you” I get for being good to people?!?!?! Now I'm going to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is heavy-set, wearing nothing but a scarf and top hat, he has a carrot-like nose, two black eyes, and his arms are stick skinny. Don't bring him into your house! What a mess he made on the floor.

Joke: I was going to get a brain transplant...then I changed my mind.

Joke: It's the time of the year when I get to pretend the five pounds of candy I'm buying is for Trick-or-Treaters.

Joke: So this guy gets a new job waiting tables and his first day he gets a difficult customer. The guy orders a half a baked potato and won't take no for an answer. The new waiter is walking into the kitchen and sees his manager says "This guy is being a real ass about only wanting a half a potato". The manager looks behind the waiter and seeing the customer standing right behind the waiter replies "you mean the customer behind you". The waiter quickly says "why no as it turns out this fine gentleman has kindly offered to purchase the other half". So after the customer leaves the boss tells the new waiter he likes the way he thinks on his feet and that there is a new assistant manager position open but it is in Canada. The new waiter says "Canada really, I like the job offer but Canada only has whores and hockey players" The boss answers "Hey my mother is from Canada!" The guy thinking quickly once again asks "really, what position did she play?"

Joke: Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

Joke: Did you hear about the pregnant bed bug?

Joke: I'm on the tequila diet. So far I've lost 2 days.

Joke: Husband: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother. Wife: Why does it say "Do not resuscitate"?

Joke: What music do optometrists listen to?

Joke: President Camacho: Now I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now. But I've got a 3 point plan that's going to fix everything. Congressman #1: Break it down, Camacho! President Camacho: Number 1: We've got this guy Not Sure. Number 2: He's got a higher IQ than any man alive. and Number 3: He's going to fix everything.

Joke: A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks, the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife on the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "She's selling batteries." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the Seashore."

Joke: What kind of shoes does a frog wear?

Joke: How can you tell when someone in the room owns a Peloton Bike?

Joke: Why did the deer go to the dentist?

Joke: How does a Japanese dog say hello?