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Some very sad news. My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.
Someone sent me an email about using vodka for cleaning around the house... it worked! The more vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked.
Wife, "My aerobics instructor says I've got the chest of a 23 year old!" Husband, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?" Wife, "We never mentioned you!"
If April showers bring May flowers what do may flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
The biggest difference between time and money: You always know how much money you have but you never know how much time you have.
To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.
What did Tennessee?
The same thing as Arkansas.
"Alexa, where's my dad?" Alexa, "Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas." "Ha! Gotcha, my dad is sitting right next to me." Alexa, "Your mom's husband is sitting right next to you. Your dad is in a strip club in Las Vegas."
I wish my siblings would stop calling me "spoiled" just because I'm the baby in the family. The fact is, my parents kept having children until they found one they liked. It's so not my issue.
I found $20 in a parking lot and thought to myself, What would Jesus do?
So, I turned it into wine.
