USER JOKES INDEX

A man at the gas station asked me for a dollar. I told him I only carry big bills. He said give me one of those. So, I gave him my electric bill.

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked... She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied... "Two years older than me." "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

Yo mama's armpits are so hairy, it looks like she's got Buckwheat in a headlock.

Yo mama's so stupid, she stared at a cup of orange juice for 12 hours because it said "concentrate."

A Roman citizen walks into a bar raises two fingers and says to the waiter, "five beers, please."

I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. Thank goodness, I still have my driver's license.

1. How many days in a retiree's week? 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday. 
2. When is a retiree's bedtime?  Two hours after falling asleep on the couch. 
3. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb? Only one, but it might take all day. 
4. What's the biggest gripe of retirees? There is not enough time to get everything done. 
5. Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? The term comes with a 10% discount. 
6. Among retirees, what is considered formal attire? Tied shoes. 
7. Why do retirees count pennies? They are the only ones who have the time. 
8. What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? NUTS! 
9. Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic, or garage? They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there. 
10. What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal. 
11. What is the best way to describe retirement? The never-ending Coffee Break. 
12. What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? If you cut classes, no one calls your parents. And, my very favorite... 
13. What do you do all week? Monday through Friday, NOTHING. Saturday & Sunday, I rest. 

We all know that Albert Einstein was a genius but...