USER JOKES INDEX

Stop blaming everyone for all your problems...

I was watching TV, my son was in a chair behind me reading a book. He said "dad, what does gays mean?" I got nervous, I said, "well, you know how me and your mother loves each other, its the same thing but with two men." He said "oh, ok. What does penetrating gays mean." Looking confused I said read me the sentence. He read, "She stared at her husband with a penetrating gaze".....

I woke up to drink some water in the middle of the night and I accidentally ate a whole pizza and cheesecake.

I think I need professional help...

I hate when I'm singing along to a song and the artist gets the lyrics wrong...

It's autumn. My wife asked me why I won't rake the leaves?. I said, "It's because they're called leaves. If they were called pick-me-ups I would pick them up, but they're called leaves so I leave them."

Here's a question for all you mindreader's out there.

I will never help anyone again......EVER! I'm too kindhearted, or I'm too naive. Last night it was so cold out that we took a man into our home out of the kindness of our hearts. We felt so sorry for him, poor thing was standing stiff and frozen out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him. The last straw?!?! When I realized he had peed all over the floor! That's the “thank you” I get for being good to people?!?!?! Now I'm going to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is heavy-set, wearing nothing but a scarf and top hat, he has a carrot-like nose, two black eyes, and his arms are stick skinny. Don't bring him into your house! What a mess he made on the floor.

I'd share my poem about the wind....but it's only a draft.

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.