I'm not an alcoholic. I'm a drunk. Alcoholics go to meetings.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.
A honeymooning couple was passing through Louisiana. When they were approaching Lafayette, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they got to the town, where they decided to stop for lunch. As they stood at the counter, the man said, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us. Would you very slowly pronounce where we are?" The guy behind the corner leaned over and said, "Burrrrrrrr gerrrrrrr Kiiiiing"
A police officer called the station on his radio. "I have an interesting case here. An old lady just shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped." "Have you arrested the woman?" "Not yet. The floor is still wet."
Two jumper cables walk into a bar and the bartender says you better not start something here.
It was a sunny Saturday morning and Brian was beginning his pre-shot routine -- visualizing his upcoming shot -- when a voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker: "Would the gentleman on the ladies tee back up to the men's tee, please!" Brian was still deep in his routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Brian had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
I switched all the labels on my wife's spice rack... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
