Why are tigers Christians?
Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Why did the husband bring his wife a small lizard?
Because she told him to go out and get her a baby monitor.
A banker gets into a car accident. He was driving his Ferrari, stopped, opened his door, and another car zoomed by, hit and ripped off the door. The banker jumps out of the car and shouts, "My Ferrari! My Ferrari!" A man is passing by and notes, "You bankers. You're all about money. You're worried about your Ferrari and not even noticing that your arm was ripped off along with that door." The banker looks at his missing arm and shouts, "My Rolex! My Rolex!!"
Yesterday I did nothing and today I'm finishing up what I did yesterday.
There was a safety meeting at work today. They asked me, "What steps would you take in the event of a fire?" "Big Ones" was the wrong answer.
Why don't marketers like trampolines?
They're scared of high bounce rates.
An old man is selling watermelons. His pricelist reads 1 for $3, 3 for $10. A young man stops by and asks to buy one watermelon. "That'd be 3 dollars", says the old man. The young man then buys another one, and another one, paying $3 for each. As the young man is walking away, he turns around, grins, and says, "Hey old man, do you realize I just bought three watermelons for only $9? Maybe business is not your thing." The old man smiles and mumbles to himself, "People are funny. Every time they buy three watermelons instead of one, yet they keep trying to teach me how to do business..."
Tweety: knock knock.
Sylvester: Who's there?
Tweety: Gladys.
Sylvester: Gladys who?
Tweety: Gladys you and not that awful puddy tat!
