Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
What did the gingerbread man put on his bed?
A cookie sheet.
Why wasn’t Jesus born in Ireland?
Because you can't find 3 wise men or a Virgin!
After dying in a car crash, three friends went to Heaven for an orientation session. They were all asked the same question: When you were in your casket and your family and friends were mourning over you, what would you like to hear when they talk about you? The first guy responded: "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the greatest doctors of my time and a great family man." The second guy said: "I would love to hear that I was a wonderful husband and a school teacher who made a huge difference in the children of tomorrow" Then the third guy thought for a while and then replied: "I guess I'd like to hear them say: 'Look.. he's moving"
So, a duck walks into a bar. It asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" The bartender replies, "No? I mean this is a bar. We don't really sell that kind of stuff..." So the duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back in. "Got any grapes?" the duck asks. "No," The bartender says of annoyed. The duck leaves. The next day, the duck comes back and asks, "Got any grapes?" Finally, the bartender has had enough. "NO! We don't have any grapes. If you come in one more time asking if you've got any grapes, I'll nail your bill to the wall!" The duck leaves. The next day it comes back and says, "Got any nails?" The bartender replies, "No?" Then the duck says, "Got any grapes?"
Yesterday a book fell on my head... I only have my shelf to blame.
Why Did The Dear Need Braces?
He had buck teeth!
What did one boat say to the other?
Are you up for a little row-mance?
What did the flame say to his buddies after he fell in love?
I have found the perfect match!
