Cop: "You were going really fast". Me: "I was just trying to keep up with traffic". Cop: "There isn't any traffic". Me: "I know! That's how far behind I am".

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I told my wife how thankful I was to have someone I enjoyed being quarantined with. She said, "Must be nice".

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1) If COVID-19 doesn't take you out can I?
2) Is that hand sanitized in you pocket or are you just happy to be within 6ft. of me?
3) Since all the public libraries are closed, I'm checking you out instead.
4) You can't spell virus without U and I.
5) Baby, do you need toilet paper? Because, I can be your Prince Charmin.
6) I saw you from across the bar. Stay there.
7) Without you my life is as empty as the supermarket shelf.
8) Hey Babe! Can I ship you a drink?
9) You can't spell quarantine without "U R A Q T".
10) I really can't stay.
11) Baby it's COVID-19 outside.

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What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

Aye Matey!

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How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

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I broke my finger last week. . .

…On the other hand, I'm ok!

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Why do cows wear bells?

In case their horns don't work.

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I grew up poor, you think I'm scared of limited food & a two week lock in? We called that "the end of the month" growing up.

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Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

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Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.

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