USER JOKES INDEX

Husband: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother. Wife: Why does it say "Do not resuscitate"?

I bet you would be very motivated to lose weight if it went to somebody you didn't like.

I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.

I finally discovered what's wrong with my brain: On the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't! It just craps on the floor.

A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far to many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took out phone book!"

The Philosopher Plato once said... "I am the wisest man alive for I know one thing... and that one thing is that I know nothing." How did he know that? His wife told him.

I had a happy childhood; Dad would roll me down the hill in a tire. Those were Goodyears.

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.

We all know that mirrors don't lie... I'm just grateful they don't laugh!