Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
In life, it is very important to know when to stop arguing with people and just let them be wrong!
I'll tell you why I can't lose weight... I've got metal fillings in my teeth and the refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen.
Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead when you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went in for macaroni and cheese and came out with two cases of beer!
I called my boss and asked if I could come in a little late. He said, "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.
I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember applying for a job there.
I watch my dog chase his tail for five minutes and thought, "Wow! Dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase his tail for five minutes.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" The husband replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I've picked the 5th of June, July 17th, and October 9th!
