How does Moses make his coffee?

Hebrews it.

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I broke my finger last week. . .

…On the other hand, I'm ok!

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Why do cows wear bells?

In case their horns don't work.

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I grew up poor, you think I'm scared of limited food & a two week lock in? We called that "the end of the month" growing up.

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Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half will come out with a drinking problem.

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Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems he's a web designer.

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A husband and wife are at the grocery store. The husband picks up a case of beer and puts it in the cart. The wife asks, "What are you doing?" He says, "The beer is on sale, 24 cans for $10." She says, "We can't afford that so put it back!" A few isles later the wife puts a $20 tube of face cream in the cart. The husband asks, "What is that for?" The wife says, "It makes my face pretty." The husband replies, "So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price!"

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You said you were sick... No, I said I had a case of Corona.

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Neighbors house got TP'ed last night... Now it's listed on Zillow for $12.5 million.

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I tried to catch some fog... I mist!

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