You know when it's time to cut back on you're wine intake when your doctor tells you, "Your blood type is Chardonn-A positive."
Your mind is a garden. Your thoughts are the seeds. You can grow flowers or you can grow weeds!
A blonde thinking to herself, "If it wasn't for the man who discovered electricity, we'd all be watching TV by candlelight."
The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 2.2 gallons of beer, which means the average human gets 41 miles per gallon!
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men actually spend thinking.
In life, it is very important to know when to stop arguing with people and just let them be wrong!
I'll tell you why I can't lose weight... I've got metal fillings in my teeth and the refrigerator magnets keep pulling me into the kitchen.
Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead when you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went in for macaroni and cheese and came out with two cases of beer!
I called my boss and asked if I could come in a little late. He said, "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.
I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember applying for a job there.
