USER JOKES INDEX

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like it says on the bottle.

What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts cost $2.25... These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them!

The first five florist I called knew nothing about carpet or tile. And suddenly I'm the idiot.

Do you ever notice that when geese fly in a "V" formation, one side is always longer than the other?

Roger brings his buddy home to dinner without telling his wife. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just has to sit there and listen. Wife: "I look a mess, the house is dirty, the sink is full of dirty dishes, I'm wearing my comfy sweats and I don't have anything to make and I don't feel like cooking tonight! Why the hell would you bring him home?" Roger: "Because, he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo"

Imagine a world where Youtube, Twitter and Facebook merge to become as YouTwitFace.

Pour a measure of whiskey, gin, or rum in a glass, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then drink it and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume you're currently free from the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus-free each time, thank goodness. I will test myself again today because I've developed a headache which can also be a symptom.

Your job as a woman is to observe when your man is happy and immediately put a stop to that nonsense!