USER JOKES INDEX

My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them!

The first five florist I called knew nothing about carpet or tile. And suddenly I'm the idiot.

Do you ever notice that when geese fly in a "V" formation, one side is always longer than the other?

Roger brings his buddy home to dinner without telling his wife. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just has to sit there and listen. Wife: "I look a mess, the house is dirty, the sink is full of dirty dishes, I'm wearing my comfy sweats and I don't have anything to make and I don't feel like cooking tonight! Why the hell would you bring him home?" Roger: "Because, he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo"

Imagine a world where Youtube, Twitter and Facebook merge to become as YouTwitFace.

Pour a measure of whiskey, gin, or rum in a glass, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then drink it and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume you're currently free from the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus-free each time, thank goodness. I will test myself again today because I've developed a headache which can also be a symptom.

Your job as a woman is to observe when your man is happy and immediately put a stop to that nonsense!

I ate a donut without sprinkles... Diets are so hard!

Loosing weight doesn't seem like it's working, so I'm going to concentrate on getting taller.

What does the Rabbi love even more than his shekels?