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Don't let them take your temperature on your forehead when you enter the supermarket, because it erases your memory. I went in for macaroni and cheese and came out with two cases of beer!
I called my boss and asked if I could come in a little late. He said, "Dream on." I think that was really nice of him.
I got a call from the police station saying they want to interview me. Funny, I don't remember applying for a job there.
I watch my dog chase his tail for five minutes and thought, "Wow! Dogs are easily entertained." Then I realized, I just watched my dog chase his tail for five minutes.
To the person who invented zero, thanks for nothing.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" she asked. "Hunting flies," he replied. "Oh, killed any?" she asked. "Yep, 3 males and 2 females," he answered. Intrigued the wife asked, "How can you tell them apart?" The husband replied, "3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone."
My doctor has given me three days to give up drinking. I've picked the 5th of June, July 17th, and October 9th!
Lettuce come together. Romaine Calm. This may be just the tip of the iceberg.
I went outside to check on my plants. I felt something cold and wet on my arm. I looked down and say a mosquito using a wet wipe before it bit me!
As you get older, you'll realize that a $300 watch and a $30 watch both tell the same time. A Micheal Kors wallet and a Forever 21 wallet hold the same amount of money. A $300,000 house and a $100,000 house host the same loneliness. A Ford will drive you as far as a Bentley. True happiness is not found in materialistic things, it comes from the love and laughter found with each other. Stay humble... the holes dug for us in the ground are the same size.
