What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?

Two test tickles.

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A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts cost $2.25... These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

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My mother always told me if you can't say anything nice, then don't say anything at all... And some people wonder why I'm so quiet around them!

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The first five florist I called knew nothing about carpet or tile. And suddenly I'm the idiot.

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Do you ever notice that when geese fly in a "V" formation, one side is always longer than the other?

That is because there are more geese on that side...

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Roger brings his buddy home to dinner without telling his wife. His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just has to sit there and listen. Wife: "I look a mess, the house is dirty, the sink is full of dirty dishes, I'm wearing my comfy sweats and I don't have anything to make and I don't feel like cooking tonight! Why the hell would you bring him home?" Roger: "Because, he's thinking of getting married and I promised him a demo"

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Imagine a world where Youtube, Twitter and Facebook merge to become as YouTwitFace.

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Pour a measure of whiskey, gin, or rum in a glass, then see if you can smell it. If you can, then drink it and if you can taste it it's reasonable to assume you're currently free from the virus. I tested myself nine times last night and was virus-free each time, thank goodness. I will test myself again today because I've developed a headache which can also be a symptom.

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Your job as a woman is to observe when your man is happy and immediately put a stop to that nonsense!

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I ate a donut without sprinkles... Diets are so hard!

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