Even on Gilligan's Island they listened to the professor not the 'millionaire'.

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An Epidemiologist, an ICU doctor and a scientist walk into a bar...

Just kidding, they know better.

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How does a hamburger introduce his girlfriend?

Meat Patty.

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Me: Please bring me a screwdriver. Wife: Flat head, Phillips or Vodka? And that is when I knew she was the one!

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I saw this guy at Starbucks. No iPhone, no tablet, no computer. He just sat there drinking coffee... like a psychopath!

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If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?" The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no. The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue. The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table. His brother said, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there Hind Lick Maneuver but I ain't niver seed nobody do it!"

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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

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I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what is going on.

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Husband: I want you to have this bracelet. It belonged to my Grandmother. Wife: Why does it say "Do not resuscitate"?

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