How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
So this guy asked his blond girlfriend what was her password and she told him it was "mickeyminniedonaldgoofyhueydueylouieplutohonolulu". When he asked her why she had such a long password she just rolled her eyes and said "hello! it does have to be at least eight characters and include a capital too!"
The definition of a stalker is when two people go on a long romantic walk together but only one really knows about it.
An Irishman walks into a bar and orders 3 pints of Guinness. He then proceeds to take a sip from the first, then a sip from the second, then a sip from the third, and starts again with a sip from the first, then second, and on. The bartender asks what he was up to, and he replied "I have 2 brothers, one lives in New York and one in Sydney, and since I can’t drink with them, I order 3 pints of Guinness and take a sip in turn from each one; and they also do the same in New York and Sydney" So each day the Irishman would come into the bar, order his 3 pints of Guinness and everyone got to know his story. One day, he walks in and orders only 2 pints of Guinness… The bar goes silent. Finally, the bartender approaches him and says "On behalf of everyone at the bar, I want to extend our condolences on the passing of your brother…" The Irishman replied, "Oh, no, it’s not that!! I just gave up drinking."
I've done some terrible things for money... Like getting up early to go to work.
What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
Snow balls.
I never really wanted to believe that my friend, a road worker, was stealing from his job but when I went to his house there they were. I should have known, all the signs were right there.
An elderly couple goes to a fast food place where they carefully split a burger and fries. A man takes pity on them and offers to buy the wife her own meal. ''It's all right,'' says the husband. ''We share everything.'' A few minutes later, the guy notices that the wife hasn't taken a bite. ''I really wouldn't mind buying your wife her own meal,'' he offers again. ''She'll eat,'' the husband assures him. ''We share everything.'' Unconvinced, the guy asks the wife, ''Why aren't you eating?'' The wife snaps back, ''Because I'm waiting for the teeth!''
