I used to have a job cleaning mirrors but I couldn't see myself doing it for a living.
There are only three kinds of people in this world: those that are good at math.. and those that aren't.
A horse got hurt but he is doing fine and in fact, he is back in stable condition.
Stop shredded cheese, make America grate again!
So a hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it now.
A duck goes into a store and asks if they have any ChapStick. They told him they had plenty for sale so he replied "great can you put it on my bill for me"
A man walks into a bar holding a piece of asphalt. The man says "I'll take a beer ...and one for the road"
A parachutist is falling towards earth and can't get his parachute to open. Surprisingly he sees a guy flying up from earth and yells over to him "hey do you know anything about parachutes?" the other guys respond "no, do you know anything about gas grills?!
A kid was playing outside and came in for some lunch when his mom asked him what he had been doing. "I was playing pirates with my friends," the kid says. "That's nice, where are your buccaneers now?" his mom asks. The kid answers "they're under my buckin' hat mom."
A king lived in a big beautiful glass castle in a most beautiful kingdom yet he spent his days collecting expensive thrones and saying bad things about everyone in his kingdom. So one day it all came crashing down and killed him all because he had stored all those thrones in the attic of his big glass castle. The moral of this story is people who live in glass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
