I put grandma on speed dial and now I have Insta-Gram!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza, I ate pizza.
Fart.com Fun Fact: September 5th is National Cheese Pizza Day!
If you see me smiling, it's because I'm thinking of doing something naughty. If you see me laughing, I've already done it.
The wicked witch from the south watches the watch that’s turning anti-clockwise, so now everyone knows now which witch watches what watch.
If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
Orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should be thrown out in November.
Wife, "Honey, don't forget to buy bread when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you." Husband, "Who is Valerie?" Wife, "Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw buy text." Husband, "But I'm with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?" Wife, "What?! Where are you?" Husband, "Near the bakery." Wife, "Wait, I'm coming right now!" After five minutes the wife sends a message: Wife, "I'm at the bakery, where are you?" Husband, "I'm at work. Now that you're at the bakery, you can buy the bread!"
Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake!
What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?
Pumpkin π.
