USER JOKES INDEX

Hostess: "Ok, I can seat you at this table right here (4 feet away), but I will need you to wear a mask to the table." Logical friend: "What happens when I get to the table?" Hostess: "You can take off the mask." Logical friend: "Then it is safe over there?" Hostess: "Yes." Logical friend: "Are those fans blowing above the table? Is that the air-conditioning I feel? Is the air circulating in here?" Hostess: No words. Confused look. Logical friend at a grocery store: "Why is there plastic on the payment keypad?" Cashier: "To protect people from Covid." Logical friend: "But isn't everyone touching the plastic keypad the same way they would the regular keypad?" Cashier: "No words. Confused look." Logical friend at drive-thru Server: (holds a tray out the window with a bag of food for logical friend to grab) Logical friend: "Why is my bag of food on a tray?" Server: "So I don't touch your food because of Covid." Logical friend: "Didn't the cook touch my food? Didn't the person wrapping my food touch it and then touch it again when placing it in my bag? Didn't you touch the bag and put it on the tray? Didn't you touch the tray?" Server: No words. Confused look. Life is hard for logical people right now. We are being raised without the ability to process and execute logic.

Little Johnny is always being teased by the other neighborhood boys for being stupid. The favorite joke is to offer Johnny the choice between a nickel and a dime, Little Johnny always takes the nickel. One day, after Johnny takes the nickel, a neighbor takes him aside and says, "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. Don't you know that a dime is worth more than a nickel, even though the nickel is bigger?" Johnny grins and says, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I've made $20!"

I asked, "Alexa, what do women want?" It hasn't shut up for nine days!

Why are frogs so happy?

A man and a woman were traveling on a train. Woman, "Every time you smile I feel like inviting you over to my place." Man, "Aww are you single?" Woman, "No, I'm a dentist."

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park. As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway. The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat further and further and the cat would always beat him home. At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and left the cat there. Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?" "Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?" Frustrated, the man answered, "Put that son of a bitch on the phone, I'm lost and need directions!"

Never let anyone tell you what you can or cannot do. Just look at Beethoven. Everyone told him he would never be a musician, just because he was deaf. But, did he listen?

President Camacho: Shit. I know shit's bad right now, with all that starving bullshit, and the dust storms, and we are running out of french fries and burrito coverings. But I got a solution.

South Carolina Representative # 1: That's what you said last time, dipshit!

South Carolina Representative # 2: Yeah, I got a solution, you're a dick! South Carolina, what's up!

President Camacho: Now I understand everyone's shit's emotional right now. But I've got a 3 point plan that's going to fix everything.

Congressman #1: Break it down, Camacho!

President Camacho: Number 1: We've got this guy Not Sure. Number 2: He's got a higher IQ than any man alive. and Number 3: He's going to fix everything.

So you're smart, huh? I thought your head would be bigger. - President Camacho