They should put more wine in a bottle... so there's enough for two people.
Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
To the nut House.
I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Friend, "On average, how much do you spend on a bottle of wine?
Me, "About half an hour."
Don came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber. He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, "You died in your sleep, Don." Don was stunned. "I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!" St. Peter said, "I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken." Don was devastated but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. "So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?" "Not bad," replied Don the hen, "but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!" "You're ovulating," explained the rooster. "Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?" "Never," said Don. "Well, just relax and let it happen," says the rooster. "It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming. As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head and heard... "Don, wake up! You shit the bed!"
A smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness, and a friend like me, well, that's a sign of good taste.
When your wife is mowing the lawn, that's probably not the best time to ask when dinner will be ready.
Despite the old saying, "Don't take your troubles to bed", many women still sleep with their husbands.
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn't on top of your car anymore.
