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What do Christmas and crabs have in common?
Sandy Claws.
My kids say they want a cat for Christmas. Normally, I do a turkey but hey, if it will make them happy...
What's the difference between snow men and snow women?
Snow balls.
I pretended to fall asleep and I fell asleep. Now, I'm going to pretend to be skinny.
So Cara went to the local paper to put a notice in the obituaries. The gentleman at the counter, after offering his condolences, asked Cara what she would like to say about Kevin. Cara replied, "You just put 'Kevin died.' " The gentleman, somewhat perplexed, said, "That's it? Just 'Kevin died?' Surely, there must be something more you'd like to say about Kevin. If it's money you're concerned about, the first five words are free. We must say something more." So Cara pondered for a few minutes! and finally said, "O.K. You put 'Kevin died. Boat for sale.' "
Whenever I'm sitting on a bench all by myself and someone I don't know sits beside me I just look straight forward and ask, "Did you bring the money?"
What do you call poop that comes out with a fart?
Unexpec-turd.
I dated a crosseyed girl but I just knew she was seeing someone on the side.
