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I went to the liquor store Friday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Scotch and put it in the bicycle basket. As I was about to leave, I thought to myself, "What if I fell off my bicycle, the bottle would break". So, I drank all the Scotch before I road home. It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.
I bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn't! It just craps on the floor.
A blonde walks into the library. She walks up to the counter, SLAMS a book down and and screams at the librarian, "This is the worst book I've ever read! It has no plot and far to many characters!" The librarian looks up and calmly remarked, "So, you're the one who took out phone book!"
I had a happy childhood; Dad would roll me down the hill in a tire. Those were Goodyears.
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair... I've heard nothing since.
We all know that mirrors don't lie... I'm just grateful they don't laugh!
I'm thinking about the wine box back to complain. It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, it only lasted me 3 hours!
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
If a bird craps on your head, try to think positively. At least cows don't fly!
I came, I saw, I forgot what I was doing, retraced my steps, got lost on the way back, now I have no idea what is going on.