USER JOKES INDEX

I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. The little bell rang but it was still a potato.

Hugh Hefner became a multi-millionaire staying home in his pajamas. I'm not having the same results.

A man call his wife, "I got hit by a car outside the office. Tina brought me to the Hospital. They have been doing tests and taking x-rays. The blow to my head, though very strong, will not have any serious or lasting injury. But I have three broken ribs, a broken arm, compound fracture in my left leg and, they may have to amputate my right leg." Wife's response, "Who's Tina?!?!"

Tips for winter driving. 1) Install winter tires. 2) Drive south. 3) Continue until you see palm trees. 4) Apply brakes and sunscreen.

This lady found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the veterinarian. He found that the problem was hair in its ears. He cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from recurring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. The lady goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist tells her, "If you’re going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days." The lady says: "I'm not using it under my arms." The druggist says: "If you're using it on your legs don’t shave for a couple of days." The lady says: "I’m not using it on my legs either; if you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer.." The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

You want to how to get back on your feet?

Last night my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, "I never want to live in a vegetive state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." They got up, unplugged my computer and threw away my wine! The little ingrates.

A pirate goes to the doctor's and says, "I have moles on my back!" The Doctor: "It’s ok, they're benign." Pirate: "Count again! I think there be ten!"

I told my son he couldn't watch the orchestra anymore and he asked why? Because there's too much sax and violins!

Poop jokes aren't my favorite kind of jokes, but they are a solid number two.