I want to lose weight but I don't want to get caught up in one of those "eat right and exercise" scams.
I was behind a grandfather and his badly-behaved grandson. He has his hands full with the child screaming for lollies, biscuits, all sorts of things. The granddad is saying in a controlled voice: "Easy, William, we won't be long . . . easy boy." Another outburst and I heard the granddad calmly say: "It's okay William. Just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." At the checkout, the little horror is throwing items out of the trolley. Granddad says again in a controlled voice: "William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool William." Well, I was really impressed, and when I got outside I saw the grandfather loading his groceries and the boy into the car. I walked over and said to the Grandad "Its none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad." "Thanks," said the Granddad. "But I am William. That little a-hole's name is Kevin!
Cop, "What's in the bottle." Lady, "Just water." Cop, "Ma'am that's wine!" Lady, "OMG, Jesus did it again!"
What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny!
Whenever I try and eat healthy a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers!
A wife treats her husband by taking him to a strip club for his birthday... At the club, the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?" The wife asks, "How does he know you?" Jim says, "Oh dear, I play football with him." Inside the bartender says, "The usual, Jim?" Jim says to his wife, "Before you say anything, he's on the darts team." Next, a stripper says, "Hi Jim! Do you crave the special again?" The wife storms out dragon Jim with her and jumps into a taxi. The taxi driver says, "Hey Jimmy Boy, you picked up an ugly one this time!..." Jim's funeral is Sunday!
Stupid people are like glow sticks. I want to snap them and shake the crap out of them until the light comes on!
Two blonds are trying to unlock their car. The first blond tries to unlock it with a coat hanger. The second blond says, "Hurry up it's starting to rain and the top's down!"
What did one light say to the other light?
I like you a watt!
