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I asked my granddaughter to fetch me a newspaper. She laughed and said, "Grandpa you are so old, just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall and killed that annoying fly.
Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?
There is a coin shortage. America is officially out of common cents.
People who confuse the words "burro" and "burrow" don't know their a$$ from a hole in the ground.
It's important to look carefully at lawn signs during an election. Last time I voted for a real estate agent.
What does your wife and a hand grenade have in common?
Remove the ring and your house is gone.
Why Iron-man and not Fe-male?
A Native American goes to see his psychiatrist about the dreams he is having. After describing that one is about teepees and the other is about wigwams the psychiatrist tells him he knows what the problem is and tells him "you must be two tents".
How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only two, but don't ask me how they got in there.
So this guy asked his blond girlfriend what was her password and she told him it was "mickeyminniedonaldgoofyhueydueylouieplutohonolulu". When he asked her why she had such a long password she just rolled her eyes and said "hello! it does have to be at least eight characters and include a capital too!"
