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"Mr. Smith, I reviewed your divorce cases very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And, I have decided to give your wife $7500 a month." "That's very fair your honor." the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."
Fish bite twice a day. Before you get there and after you leave.
My wife yelled down from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?" I replied, "No." She responded, "How about now?"
I just told my suitcase that we're not going on vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
I hate it when people don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". There stupid.
Your pants won't get to tight if you don't wear any.
Stopped by a roadside stand that said lobster tails $2. Paid my $2, then he says, "Once upon a time there was this lobster...".
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it means nobody else wanted them. Set them free again.
I have a condition that prevents me from going on a diet... I get hungry.
I got in touch with my inner self today... That's the last time I buy 1-ply toilet paper at the dollar store.
