USER JOKES INDEX

A friend of mine has two tickets for the Super Bowl, both box seats! He paid $2,500 each but he didn't realize last year when he bought them, it was going to be on the same day as his wedding. If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place...It's at Holy Cross Church, on Lake Ave at 3 pm. The bride's name is Nicole, she's 5'4", about 115 lbs, good cook too...She'll be the one in the white dress.

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet. His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up. The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every 10 seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his right hand. His mother says: "Billy, are you all right? You've been in here for a while… Billy says: "I'm fine, mommy…i just haven't gone 'doody' yet." Mother says: "ok, you can stay here a few more minutes. But, Billy, why are you hitting yourself on the head?" Billy says: "works for ketchup."

So, I got pulled over in the carpool lane the other day. When the officer asked where my passenger was. I told him due to social distancing, he was in the car behind me.

Cremation is your last chance for a smoking hot body!

So many people these days are too judgmental. I can tell by just looking at them.

I was watching a show called "Ten ways to avoid a shark attack". I was really surprised that "Stay out of the water" wasn't #1.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father replied, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies of their own, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said. "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Some people won't admit their faults. I would if I had any.

"Mr. Smith, I reviewed your divorce cases very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "And, I have decided to give your wife $7500 a month." "That's very fair your honor." the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself."

Fish bite twice a day. Before you get there and after you leave.