Life is all about ass: You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one.
Times New Roman and Helvetica walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type in here."
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
Tried cooking with wine last night, after 5 glasses,... I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
What do sex and golf have in common?
They're two things that men think they're better at than they really are!
Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if someone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back.
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
My wife asked me, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her to dinner and a movie and then dropped her off at her parents' house.
