Do not drink and wrap presents. Also, if someone gets a remote control for Christmas, I'm going to need that back.
Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities.
My wife asked me, "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?" So I took her to dinner and a movie and then dropped her off at her parents' house.
A man enters a pharmacy and quietly walks around for a minute or two, then finally approaches the lady behind the counter. "May I speak to the pharmacist, please?", he asks. The lady responds, "I am the pharmacist." The man asks if there is a male pharmacist, and the lady pharmacist responds, "No, but please don't be concerned, I have been a pharmacist, and my sister and I have owned this pharmacy, for many years, and there is nothing you could ask that would be embarrassing to us. "Well . . ", the man hesitantly says, "I have this problem . . . I have a perpetual erection, and I was wondering what you could give me for it." The pharmacist responds, "Let me discuss this with my sister, I'll be back in a couple of minutes." After a few minutes, the pharmacist returns and says, "My sister and I have given it much thought and have decided that the best we could do is $20,000 and half of the business."
After losing in last night's Powerball, I've decided to declare myselft the winner and to file lawsuits until I win!
When one door closes, another one opens. This is the last time I'm buying a used car.
