USER JOKES INDEX

Wife, "Honey, don't forget to buy bread when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you." Husband, "Who is Valerie?" Wife, "Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw buy text." Husband, "But I'm with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?" Wife, "What?! Where are you?" Husband, "Near the bakery." Wife, "Wait, I'm coming right now!" After five minutes the wife sends a message: Wife, "I'm at the bakery, where are you?" Husband, "I'm at work. Now that you're at the bakery, you can buy the bread!"

Doctors have just identified a food that can cause grief and suffering years after it's been eaten. It's called wedding cake!

What do you get if you divide the circumference of a pumpkin by its diameter?

Sometimes you meet someone and you know from the first moment that you want to spend the rest of your life without them!

Oh no! Clocks go back on November 1st. and I can't remember where I bought mine from!

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech tree says to the birch tree, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch tree says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?" The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is Neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever had my pecker into!"

Men are like shoelaces, they go through many holes before they tie the knot.

Husband, "Honey I broke a glass in the kitchen." Wife, "I'm coming with the broom." Husband, "It isn't urgent, you can come on foot."

Police, "Why didn't you report your credit card stolen?" Man, "The thief was spending less than my wife."

Did a little mechanic work today. Put a rear end in a recliner.