After losing in last night's Powerball, I've decided to declare myselft the winner and to file lawsuits until I win!
When one door closes, another one opens. This is the last time I'm buying a used car.
Of course, I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.
The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.
I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!
Wife, "Shall we try a different position tonight?" Husband, "Excellent idea!" Wife, "Ok, you stand at the sink and wash the dishes and I'll be on the couch and watching tv."
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him next time not to leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
To me, essential oils are what drips out of a taco.
October 4th is National Taco Day!
