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The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot.
I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!
Wife, "Shall we try a different position tonight?" Husband, "Excellent idea!" Wife, "Ok, you stand at the sink and wash the dishes and I'll be on the couch and watching tv."
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him next time not to leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
To me, essential oils are what drips out of a taco.
October 4th is National Taco Day!
When it rains do tall people get wet first?
Doctor, "I'm just waiting for your x-ray." Blonde, "But I never dated anyone named Ray." Doctor, "And we might do a brain scan."
Dear Santa, all I want for Christmas is a fat bank account and a thin body. Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... do you learn to solve problems without violence.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize.
