I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me the Thesaurus throat I've ever had.
As I get older and I remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.
Great news everyone. Apparently that man who was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun... is now fully "recovered".
Since there is only one of me, does that make me endangered or a limited edition?
I pretended to fall asleep and I fell asleep. Now, I'm going to pretend to be skinny.
Life is all about ass: You're either covering it, laughing it off, kicking it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, behaving like one, or you live with one.
Times New Roman and Helvetica walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve your type in here."
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon. I'll let you know.
Tried cooking with wine last night, after 5 glasses,... I forgot why I was in the kitchen.
What do sex and golf have in common?
They're two things that men think they're better at than they really are!
