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Warning! Coffee can make you aggressive. Yesterday I had 15 beers at the bar, and my wife had 3 cups of coffee at home. When I got home she was extremely pissed off.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to the lock calmly. Because communication is key.
Bought a can of fly spray. Sprayed it all over me. I still can't fly.
I put grandma on speed dial and now I have Insta-Gram!
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. Fine, it was pizza, I ate pizza.
If you see me smiling, it's because I'm thinking of doing something naughty. If you see me laughing, I've already done it.
The wicked witch from the south watches the watch that’s turning anti-clockwise, so now everyone knows now which witch watches what watch.
If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
Orange on the outside, hollow on the inside, and should be thrown out in November.
