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I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.
Seriously, I don't know when exactly that UFO landed and dumped all these stupid people, but they apparently aren't coming back for them!
A woman in Wisconsin texted her husband early one morning, "Windows Frozen". Husband texted back, "Gently pour lukewarm water on windows". Later wife texted back, "Computer REALLY messed up now".
Funny guys are dangerous, they'll make you laugh and laugh and laugh then boom you're naked.
Some very sad news. My relationship with whiskey is on the rocks.
Someone sent me an email about using vodka for cleaning around the house... it worked! The more vodka I drank, the cleaner the house looked.
Wife, "My aerobics instructor says I've got the chest of a 23 year old!" Husband, "What did he say about your 60 year old ass?" Wife, "We never mentioned you!"
If April showers bring May flowers what do may flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
The biggest difference between time and money: You always know how much money you have but you never know how much time you have.
To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.
