Why couldn't the blind man see his friends?

Because he was married.

My friend David lost his id, we now call him Dav.

A man runs into the doctor's office screaming that he is shrinking. The doc says, "Calm down you just need to be a little patient."

How does a farmer find new cows to buy?

He looks through the cattle-log.

I just burnt this Hawaiian pizza. Guess I should have used aloha temperature.

Did you hear that there is a coin shortage?

America is officially out of common cents.

Why is water heavier than butane?

Because butane is a lighter fluid.

Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water. I was like well damn.

I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.

He said, "Tell me more."

Which tree is the most pensive?

The ponder-osa pine.

USER JOKES INDEX