USER JOKES INDEX

My wife says that I talk in my sleep but I don't believe her... nobody at work has ever mentioned it.

Money. May not make you happy. But will pay for vacation, lunches, dinners, cars, houses, flowers, children education, medical bills, and tacos!

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Superbowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game her asked her how she liked it. "Oh, I really like it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." Dumbfounded her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean?" "Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and for the rest of the game all they kept screaming was... Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback! I'm like Helloooo? It's only 25 cents."

If a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an utter failure?

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.

My wife just stopped and said, "You weren't listening were you?" I thought, "That's a pretty weird way to start a conversation."

Did you know that fourteen muscles are activated when you open a bottle of wine? Fitness is my passion.

You only need two tools in life... WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40... If it moves and it shouldn't, use duct tape.

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.