USER JOKES INDEX

My wife has just fallen over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes. I just sat back and watched it all unfold!

Lego store reopens after lockdown! Folks lined up for blocks!

Quitting Is Easy, It's Not Starting Again That's Hard.

Man to the ticket agent at the airport: "I'd like this bag to go to Cleveland and this bag to Tulsa. Ticket Agent: "I'm sorry sir, we can't do that. "Man to the ticket agent. "Why not, you did it last time?"

Doctor: Your girlfriend Is pregnant. Guy: But doctor that can't be right. We use condoms everytime we have sex. Doctor: Well, the test result would suggest otherwise. Maybe the condom broke? Guy: No I'm sure it didn't. Doctor: Alright then. Let me tell you a story... A guy was wandering in the forest where he encountered a tiger. The tiger looked really ferocious and the guy knew that he was doomed. Cornered, the guy then points his umbrella's tip at the tiger and shouts BANG at the tiger. The tiger died. Guy: That can't be right. Someone else must have shot the tiger. Doctor: Exactly.

I went to McDonald's and slammed ten bucks on the counter and said, "Surprise me! Because I never get what I ask for anyway!"

Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.

A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?" "I don’t know, some dumb woman asking if the coast is clear."

I used to think drinking alcohol was bad for me, so I gave up thinking.

My whole life I never read a warning label telling me not to eat laundry detergent or put glue in my hair... Somehow, I just knew.