What did Chris Rock find on his face after the Oscars?

Fresh Prints!

My father was GOP voter all his life, till he died. Then he started voting Democratic.

September 24th is National Voter Registration Day!

A pessimist sees a 1/2 full glass, as half empty. An optimist sees it as half full. And an engineer sees it as twice as big as necessary.

What did the big chimney say to the small one?

Your too young to smoke.

Where did the Dog get his fleas?

The flea market.

How many Hillbillies does it take to eat a possum?

Three. Two to hold back the traffic, one to eat the possum.

2 atoms were walking down the street. One said to the other; "I just lost an electron!"..-"Are you sure?" asked the other. "Yes!. I`m POSITIVE!".

My doctor told me he`ll have me walking in 7 days...

And he did. I had to sell my car to pay his bill.

A Mexican magician said he would disappear on the count of 3. He said uno, dos, and poof he disappeared without a tres!

Why does a fart smell?

So that even the deaf can enjoy it!

USER JOKES INDEX