PUNS

Why did the farmer take the cow to the psychiatrist?

I tried to catch some fog... I mist!

Why are hairdressers always on time?

Did you hear about the constipated composer?

Two guys got caught stealing a calendar...they both got six months.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I once farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.

To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.

I was time traveling yesterday but I got hungry, so I went back four seconds.

How does Moses make his coffee?

Lance is a common name these days, but in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.

Bought a can of fly spray. Sprayed it all over me. I still can't fly.

The reason you can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom is because the pee is silent.

What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here I'll go on a head.

We're expecting such a cold winter, the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far, 3 of my relatives have disappeared.

I switched all the label on my wife spice rack... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.

Ate two cans of Alphabet Soup. Had a terrible vowel movement.

Today I saw an ad that said, "radio for sale $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

Why did the pencil cross the road?