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What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here I'll go on a head.
We're expecting such a cold winter, the squirrels are collecting more nuts than usual. So far, 3 of my relatives have disappeared.
I switched all the label on my wife spice rack... I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
The reason you can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom is because the pee is silent.
How does Moses make his coffee?
Lance is a common name these days, but in medieval times, people were named Lance a lot.
Bought a can of fly spray. Sprayed it all over me. I still can't fly.
I was time traveling yesterday but I got hungry, so I went back four seconds.
I once farted in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.
To the person who invented bread. I'd like to propose a toast.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Two guys got caught stealing a calendar...they both got six months.
Did you hear about the constipated composer?
Why are hairdressers always on time?
I tried to catch some fog... I mist!
Why did the farmer take the cow to the psychiatrist?