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Joke: I used to have a job cleaning mirrors but I couldn't see myself doing it for a living.
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Joke: This guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're really good looking." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a beer, great choice." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" the bartender replies "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."
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This guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're really good looking." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a beer, great choice." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" the bartender replies "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary." Joke Meme.
Joke: A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender what's the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump up and slap a piece of meat you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss you have to buy drinks for everyone in the bar. So the bartender asks him if he wants to go for it. The guy tells him, "I can't, the steaks are just too high."
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Joke: Why did the cowboy get a dachshund? So he could get a long little doggie.
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Joke: Who is Irish and sits outside all day?
Punch Line
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 Joke Meme.
Joke: I never really wanted to believe that my friend, a road worker, was stealing from his job but when I went to his house there they were. I should have known, all the signs were right there.
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Joke: Have you heard the latest rumor about butter?
Punch Line
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Joke: How often do you like jokes about elements?
Punch Line
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 Joke Meme.
Joke: I left my ex-girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.....I wonder what she's up to now?
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Joke: Me & my mates were at an Indian restaurant & some guys started throwing rice at us. So we threw rice back at them....We had a pilau fight.
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Joke: There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had a bad experience with church and were complaining about it. They have names for each of the services: "Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers."
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Joke: There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Joke: I refuse to take a nap... Is that resisting a rest?
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Joke: A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"
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Joke: Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're really making headlines.
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Joke: I just told my suitcase that we're not going on vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.
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Joke: What does a clock do when it gets hungry?
Punch Line
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Joke: One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of Robitussin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!
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Joke: Where do squirrels go when they have nervous breakdowns?
Punch Line
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Joke: Did you hear about the guy who fell into the well? It turns out he couldn't see that well.
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Joke: I don't trust stairs... They're always up to something.
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Joke: How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Punch Line
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Joke: So my buddy always looks at me when he farts. I think it's just inflatuation.
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Joke: The first five florist I called knew nothing about carpet or tile. And suddenly I'm the idiot.
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Joke: Why do cows have hooves?
Punch Line
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Joke: A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The bear says "I'll have a rum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear answers, " What can I say, I was born with 'em."
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Joke: Hollywood has been making a movie about constipation for years but they aren't sure if it will ever come out.
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Joke: My friend is changing his bands name to 999 Megabytes because they never got a gig.
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Joke: My friend keeps telling me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I guess I'm just going to have to put my foot down.
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Joke: A Buddhist goes up to a hotdog vendor and says "make me one with everything".
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Joke: Three moles had been burrowing underground when the first one says "did you smell something sweet, it smelled like candy?' The second one said he smelled something sweet but it was more like honey. The one at the back of the line told them "I smelled something but it didn't smell sweet, it smelled like mole asses!"
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Joke: 6:30 is hands down the best time on any clock.
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Joke: What was the blonde college student doing at the harbor?
Punch Line
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Joke: Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?
Punch Line
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Joke: My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter or sew it seams.
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Joke: It shocks me how bad I am at electrical work around the house.
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Joke: I prefer communist jokes because everyone gets them.
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Joke: If a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an utter failure?
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Joke: The Doc told me I was going deaf... It was hard to hear.
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Joke: If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges... My door is always open.
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Joke: Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?
Punch Line
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Joke: I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker... But when I got home all the signs were there!
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Joke: What does the painter do when he gets cold?
Punch Line
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Joke: How do pigs send secret messages?
Punch Line
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Joke: What do you call someone who searches for paper towels?
Punch Line
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Joke: Lego store reopens after lockdown! Folks lined up for blocks!
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Joke: Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?
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Joke: The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one kid and let the other one off...
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Joke: A horse got hurt but he is doing fine and in fact, he is back in stable condition.
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Joke: I never really thought communism would work. Way to many red flags.
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Joke: When chemists die, they barium.
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Joke: I have a lot of unemployment jokes but none of them work.
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Joke: What do you call a pig that does karate?
Punch Line
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Joke: Why is water heavier than butane?
Punch Line
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Joke: I thought about going on an all almond diet... But that's just nuts!
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Joke: What do you call a football player that likes dad jokes?
Punch Line
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Joke: Why did the baker open a tortilla factory?
Punch Line
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Joke: Why was the picture frame sent to jail?
Punch Line
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Joke: What type of music are balloons afraid of?
Punch Line
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Joke: What is the safest room in a haunted house?
Punch Line
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Joke: I've no idea why my new plug in air freshener won't work, I plug it in and switch it on.. nothing!....It just doesn't make scents.
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Joke: My wife has just fallen over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes. I just sat back and watched it all unfold!
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Joke: I recently took a pole and found out that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed.
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Joke: My friend quit his job as manager of a muffler shop. Said he was tired of coming home every night exhausted.
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Joke: Rest in peace boiling water... You will be mist.
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Joke: I asked my wife if she was going to make a sword out of my fart in bed last night. Cuz she schmelt it!
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Joke: Farts I hold in! You might not get it. It's sort of an inside joke.
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Joke: I had a happy childhood; Dad would roll me down the hill in a tire. Those were Goodyears.
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Joke: A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts cost $2.25... These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.
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Joke: A woman is on trial for beating her husband with his guitars. The judge asks her, "first offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender."
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Joke: Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
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Joke: Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.
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Joke: He who farts In church, sits In his own pew.
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Joke: Stop shredded cheese, make America grate again!
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Joke: I'd share my poem about the wind....but it's only a draft.
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Joke: Did you hear that there is a coin shortage?
Punch Line
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Joke: Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted?
Punch Line
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Joke: What did the Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?
Punch Line
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Joke: What did the dentist say to the golfer?
Punch Line
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Joke: Did you hear about the ATM that was addicted to money?
Punch Line
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Joke: I'm a fartartist. The fart is silent
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Joke: This girl said she recognized me from some vegan restaurant but I knew I'd never met herbivore.
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Joke: Where does Santa go after Christmas to relax?
Punch Line
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Joke: Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.
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Joke: How do you make holy water?
Punch Line
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Joke: How does a penguin build its house?
Punch Line
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Joke: A man runs into the doctor's office screaming that he is shrinking. The doc says, "Calm down you just need to be a little patient."
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Joke: What do you call pigs that write each other?
Punch Line
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Joke: My earliest childhood memory was getting my first pair of glasses... Life before that was a blur.
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Joke: What are twins favorite fruit?
Punch Line
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Joke: If you have to wear both mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.
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Joke: I broke my finger last week. . .
Punch Line
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Joke: What does a cow's fart smell like?
Punch Line
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Joke: I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
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Joke: If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to the lock calmly. Because communication is key.
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Joke: Why did the student eat his homework?
Punch Line
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Joke: I'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines....They make me jump.
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Joke: What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?
Punch Line
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Joke: Huge fight at seafood restaurant. Battered fish everywhere!
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Joke: I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.
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