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Joke:

Who is Irish and sits outside all day?

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Joke:

I just told my suitcase that we're not going on vacation this year. Now I'm dealing with emotional baggage.

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Joke:

What does a clock do when it gets hungry?

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One Halloween a man was walking down the street and heard a thumping noise behind him. Looking behind him he saw a coffin following him, upright. He was a bit nervous and began walking a little bit faster. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump". He began running and the coffin kept up and began opening and closing, ""thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". Terrified he ran to his front door, and went inside, slamming the door and locking it. The coffin continued, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump - CRASH" it came right through the door, He ran up the stairs, and right behind him, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap, "thumpety thump, thumpety thump clap". He rushed into the bathroom and slammed the door, but the coffin broke through the door - "thumpety thump, thumpety thump crash". Terrified the man grabbed the first thing he could, a bottle of Robitussin and threw it - and the coffin stopped!

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Joke:

My friend composes songs about sewing machines. He's a Singer songwriter or sew it seams.

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Joke:

Have you heard the latest rumor about butter?

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Joke:

How often do you like jokes about elements?

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Joke:

If anyone knows how to fix broken hinges... My door is always open.

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Joke:

Why did the Teddy Bear say no to dessert?

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Joke:

I left my ex-girlfriend because she wouldn't stop counting.....I wonder what she's up to now?

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Joke:

Me & my mates were at an Indian restaurant & some guys started throwing rice at us. So we threw rice back at them....We had a pilau fight.

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Joke:

There was a congregation that decided to have four worship services each Sunday. There was one for those new to the faith. Another for those who liked traditional worship. One for those who had lost their faith and would like to get it back. And another for those who had a bad experience with church and were complaining about it. They have names for each of the services: "Finders, Keepers, Losers, Weepers."

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Joke:

I refuse to take a nap... Is that resisting a rest?

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Joke:

Why do cows have hooves?

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Joke:

Where does Santa go after Christmas to relax?

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Joke:

A piece of rope walks into a bar and asks for a beer. The bartender tells him they don't serve string in his bar and to get out. The rope goes outside messes up his hair, ties himself up, and walks back into the bar. The bartender sees him and says "aren't you the rope that was just in here"? The rope responds "not me, I'm a frayed not".

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Joke:

My friend keeps telling me to stop acting like a flamingo, so I guess I'm just going to have to put my foot down.

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Joke:

Have you heard about the new corduroy pillows? They're really making headlines.

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Joke:

This guy walks into a bar and takes a seat. Before he can order a beer, the bowl of pretzels in front of him says "Hey, you're really good looking." The man tries to ignore the bowl of pretzels and orders a beer. The bowl of pretzels then says "Ooooh, a beer, great choice." Starting to freak out, the guy says to the bartender "Hey what the hell, this bowl of pretzels keeps saying nice things to me!" the bartender replies "Don't worry about it, the pretzels are complimentary."

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Joke:

A man walks into a bar and there is a bunch of meat hanging from the ceiling. The man asks the bartender what's the deal with the meat and the bartender explains that if you jump up and slap a piece of meat you get to drink free for the night, but if you miss you have to buy drinks for everyone in the bar. So the bartender asks him if he wants to go for it. The guy tells him, "I can't, the steaks are just too high."

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Joke:

Three moles had been burrowing underground when the first one says "did you smell something sweet, it smelled like candy?' The second one said he smelled something sweet but it was more like honey. The one at the back of the line told them "I smelled something but it didn't smell sweet, it smelled like mole asses!"

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Joke:

What does a cow's fart smell like?

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Joke:

I have a lot of unemployment jokes but none of them work.

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Joke:

I thought about going on an all almond diet... But that's just nuts!

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Joke:

The Doc told me I was going deaf... It was hard to hear.

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Joke:

Did you hear about the orchestra that got electrocuted?

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Joke:

I never wanted to believe my dad was stealing from his job as a road worker... But when I got home all the signs were there!

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Joke:

What do you call someone who searches for paper towels?

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Joke:

Lego store reopens after lockdown! Folks lined up for blocks!

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Joke:

I'm a fartartist. The fart is silent

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Joke:

I asked my wife if she was going to make a sword out of my fart in bed last night. Cuz she schmelt it!

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Joke:

He who farts In church, sits In his own pew.

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Joke:

Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

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Joke:

The first five florist I called knew nothing about carpet or tile. And suddenly I'm the idiot.

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Joke:

What did they give Tickle-Me-Elmo before he left the factory?

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Joke:

Huge fight at seafood restaurant. Battered fish everywhere!

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Joke:

A termite walks into a bar and asks, "Is the bartender here?"

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Joke:

The police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one kid and let the other one off...

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Joke:

Hollywood has been making a movie about constipation for years but they aren't sure if it will ever come out.

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Joke:

A woman is on trial for beating her husband with his guitars. The judge asks her, "first offender?" She says, "No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender."

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Joke:

I used to have a job cleaning mirrors but I couldn't see myself doing it for a living.

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Joke:

A Buddhist goes up to a hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything"

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Joke:

I never really thought communism would work. Way to many red flags.

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Joke:

6:30 is hands down the best time on any clock.

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Joke:

What was the blonde college student doing at the harbor?

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Joke:

Why do people in Athens hate getting up early?

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Joke:

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to the lock calmly. Because communication is key.

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Joke:

Will glass coffins become popular? Remains to be seen.

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Joke:

I prefer communist jokes because everyone gets them.

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Joke:

If a cow doesn't produce milk, is it a milk dud or an utter failure?

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Joke:

What is the safest room in a haunted house?

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Joke:

My wife has just fallen over and dropped a basket full of freshly ironed clothes. I just sat back and watched it all unfold!

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Joke:

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There's a knob called 'brightness' but it doesn't work.

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Joke:

Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

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Joke:

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs $2.00. A chicken pie in Trinidad costs $2.40. A chicken pie in St. Kitts cost $2.25... These are the Pie Rates of the Caribbean.

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Joke:

What did the beaver say when he swam into a wall? DAM!

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Joke:

This girl said she recognized me from some vegan restaurant but I knew I'd never met herbivore.

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Joke:

A bear walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "What can I get you?" The bear says "I'll have a rum . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . and coke." The bartender asks, "Why the big pause?" The bear answers, " What can I say, I was born with 'em."

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Joke:

A horse got hurt but he is doing fine and in fact, he is back in stable condition.

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Joke:

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

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Joke:

Energizer bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

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Joke:

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

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Joke:

What do you call a pig that does karate?

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Joke:

Why is water heavier than butane?

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Joke:

Why did the baker open a tortilla factory?

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Joke:

Why was the picture frame sent to jail?

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Joke:

What type of music are balloons afraid of?

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Joke:

I've no idea why my new plug in air freshener won't work, I plug it in and switch it on.. nothing!....It just doesn't make scents.

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Joke:

Two antennas got married yesterday. The wedding was just ok but the reception was really good.

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Joke:

My friend is changing his bands name to 999 Megabytes because they never got a gig.

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Joke:

I went to a beekeeper to get 12 bees. He counted and gave me 13. "Sir, you gave me an extra!" That's a freebie.

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Joke:

I'd share my poem about the wind....but it's only a draft.

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Joke:

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City. Mexicans were crazy about the stuff. The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate ("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day of mourning which they still observe today. It is known, of course, as ...Sinko de Mayo.

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Joke:

It shocks me how bad I am at electrical work around the house.

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Joke:

What do you call a football player that likes dad jokes?

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Joke:

How do pigs send secret messages?

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Joke:

Stop shredded cheese, make America grate again!

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Joke:

Did you hear that there is a coin shortage?

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Joke:

If money doesn't grow on trees, then why do banks have branches?

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Joke:

What did the Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?

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Joke:

What are twins favorite fruit?

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Joke:

If you have to wear both mask and glasses, you may be entitled to condensation.

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Joke:

The local pet store is having a free giveaway on birds today...no perches necessary.

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Joke:

I know a guy who is addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop anytime.

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Joke:

How do you make holy water?

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Joke:

How does a penguin build its house?

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Joke:

A man runs into the doctor's office screaming that he is shrinking. The doc says, "Calm down you just need to be a little patient."

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Joke:

What do you call pigs that write each other?

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Joke:

My earliest childhood memory was getting my first pair of glasses... Life before that was a blur.

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Joke:

I don't trust stairs... They're always up to something.

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Joke:

Why did the student eat his homework?

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Joke:

What did the dentist say to the golfer?

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Joke:

I'm terrified of skipping ropes, bungees and trampolines....They make me jump.

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Joke:

I had a happy childhood; Dad would roll me down the hill in a tire. Those were Goodyears.

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Joke:

I lost my job at the bank on my first day. A women asked me to check her balance, so I pushed her over.

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Joke:

Why did the pencil cross the road?

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Joke:

A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.

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Joke:

When chemists die, they barium.

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Joke:

Ate two cans of Alphabet Soup. Had a terrible vowel movement.

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Joke:

Today I saw an ad that said, "radio for sale $1, volume stuck on full." I thought, "I can't turn that down."

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