JOKES INDEX

Question 1

An Elderly Man Lay Dying In His Bed Joke

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs. He gathered enough strength to get out of bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom. With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies. Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife. "Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"

Question 2

If You Love Something, Set It Free

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was and always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with. If, however, it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and never appears to have noticed that you actually set it free in the first place, You either married it or gave birth to it!

Question 3

Fifty Fithy

A young man saw an elderly couple sitting down to lunch at McDonald's. He noticed that they had ordered one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, until each had half of them. Then he poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup and set that in front of his wife. The old man then began to eat, and his wife sat watching, with her hands folded in her lap. The young man decided to ask if they would allow him to purchase another meal for them so that they didn't have to split theirs. The old gentleman said, "Oh no. We've been married 50 years, and everything has always been and will always be shared, 50/50." The young man then asked the wife if she was going to eat, and she replied, "It's his turn with the teeth."

Question 4

One Lucky Man

Once there was a man who every week bought a lottery ticket in the local liquor store. He really didn't expect to win until one day he jumped in joy when he found out that he won 30 million dollars. The man immediately ran to his car, drove home at full speed, pulled up the driveway, ran inside the house slammed the front door behind him. As soon as he saw his wife, he said "Honey, I've won the lottery so pack your bags!!!" The man's wife leaping in joy asked him; "What should I pack for?, for hiking, mountain climbing, or sunbathing honey!?" "For whatever you want, Just make sure you're out by the end of the week!"

Question 5

Faithful Wife

Sadie's husband Jake has been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet his faithful wife stays by his bedside day and night. One night, Jake comes to and motions for her to come closer. He says, "My Sadie, you have been with me through all the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what, Sadie?" "What Dear?" she asked gently. "I think you're bad luck."

Question 6

Breast Or Bottle Fed?

A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, "Is he breast fed or on the bottle?" "Oh...he is breast fed!", replied the woman. "Well then, strip down to your waist," orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite a while in a very detailed and thorough examination. The doc motions to her to get dressed, then the doctor says - "No wonder this baby is so hungry. You don't have any milk!" The woman with a wry grin on her face responds..."Well of course I don't." "I'm his aunt - but I'm SURE GLAD I brought him in!"

Question 7

A Guy Goes To The Doctor For A Checkup...

A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir, I have bad news and I have worse news". The guy says, "Well gimme the worst news first". The doc says, "Well sir you have Cancer". The guy says "That's terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says "Well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease". "Well", answers the guy, "At least I don't have Cancer".

Question 8

Nasty Virus

A man returns to the U.S. from overseas and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings."This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!" "Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully. The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."

Question 9

Sneezgasm

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes and then starts screaming with extasy and pleasure. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again, and again screams as if he had just had the best sexual intercourse of his life. The woman is about to go nuts.A few more minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again, and again is fully aroused. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've acted as if youv'e had great sex! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?" The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm." The woman, now feeling badly, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?" The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

Question 10

Did You See Anything Under The Table You Liked?

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did." She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100." After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?" Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes." Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?" Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100." "Good," Dave says." Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

JOKES INDEX

An Elderly Man Lay Dying In His Bed Joke

If You Love Something, Set It Free

Fifty Fithy

One Lucky Man

Faithful Wife

Breast Or Bottle Fed?

A Guy Goes To The Doctor For A Checkup...

Nasty Virus

Sneezgasm

Did You See Anything Under The Table You Liked?

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