JOKES INDEX

Question 1

Obscene Phone Calls

It was a hot summer day, and the old courthouse was just as hot. The air was thick and humid, and the jury was having a hard time staying focused. One of the jurors succumbed to the heat, falling asleep just as the victim was being questioned by the prosecutor. "The defendant is accused of making obscene phone calls to your home. Would you please tell the jury precisely what the defendant said when he called you," asked the prosecutor. "I can't do that," the victim replied. "It was so crude and disgusting. I can't use language like that." "Would it help to just write it down?" The victim wrote out every detail of what the obscene caller had said, and passed the note to the judge. The judge read the note. It was then passed to the prosecutor, the defense attorney, and finally to the jury. The sleeping juror was seated at the back corner of the jury box, and was the last to receive the note. He was awoken with a nudge from an attractive young juror, seated next to him, and she passed him the note. He read it, gazed in awe at the woman, and read it again. He turned to her, smiling broadly, and winked. He then put the note into his pocket. The judge demanded, "Please pass that note to the bailiff." "But your honor," the juror protested, "It's a private matter."

Question 2

Male Chauvinist Joke

Jenny's husband, Jay, was a male chauvinist. Even though they both worked full-time, he never helped around the house. Housework was woman's work! But one evening Jenny arrived home from work to find the children bathed, one load of clothes in the washer and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove, and the table set. She was astonished--something's up. It turns out that Jay had read an article that said wives who worked full-time and had to do their own housework were too tired to have sex. The night went well and the next day she told her office friends all about it. "We had a great dinner. Jay even cleaned up. He helped the kids do their homework, folded all the laundry and put everything away. I really enjoyed the evening." "But what about afterward?" asked her friends. "Oh, that was perfect too. Jay was too tired!"

Question 3

Marraige Or Prison

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from their bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked around, still not finding her husband. Listening again, she could definitely hear moaning. She went down to the basement to find her husband, crouched in the corner facing the wall, sobbing. "What's wrong with you?" she asked him. "Remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" he replied. "And remember, he said, I had two choices - I could either marry you, or spend the next 20 years in prison." Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So?" "I would have gotten out today."

Question 4

Don't Eat The Pork

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?" The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion." Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?" The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice." There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

Question 5

A Blind Man's Cane.

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their eight children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him. "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!" The blind man replies: "If you would've put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we'd be sitting in the bus.

Question 6

Firehouse Joke

A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks.""From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night." The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!""What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks. "Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"

Question 7

Six Inch Putt

An older couple are playing in the annual club championship. They are playing in a playoff hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match. On the way home in the car her husband is fuming,"I can't believe you missed that putt!" "That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "yes dear, but it was much harder!".

Question 8

A Guy Goes Into A Pharmacy

A guy goes into a pharmacy, walks up to the pharmacist and asks him for some condoms. The pharmacist says: "well they come in packs of 3, 9, and 12". The guy says: "well im going to have dinner at her place tonight and after that were going out and i think im gonna get lucky and once she had me she won't be able to get enough, so better make it twelve". Meanwhile he goes home and gets ready, heads over to her house to have dinner and meet her parents. They sit down ready for dinner and they ask him to say grace. He says it and goes on and on and on... The girl leans over and says: "you didn't tell me you were such a religious person", and he leans back and says: "you didn't tell me your dad was a pharmacist".

Question 9

Blonde And Beautiful Going To New York

There was a blonde sitting on a plane in first-class seats with an economy class ticket. The flight attendant asked to check her ticket. "Excuse me," she said "You only have an economy class ticket but you are sitting in first class. Could you please move to your allocated seat?" The blonde was very stubborn and said "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to New York. "So the flight attendant went to another flight attendant and told her the problem. Her answer was the same." I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to new york." This went on with four other flight attendants. Finally, they went to the captain and told him the problem. He said, "I can handle this," and went to talk to her. He whispered something in her ear and she got up and ran to economy class. All the flight attendants were shocked and they asked him how he did it. He said, "I told her first class wasn't going to New York."

Question 10

Crime And Punishment

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican. They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazonians. The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian, "What do you want on your back for your whipping?" The Canadian responds, "I will take oil!" So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times. When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move. The Amazonians haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican, "What do you want on your back?" "I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man!" says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch. Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks: "What will you take on your back?" And he responds - "I'll take the Mexican!"

JOKES INDEX

Obscene Phone Calls

Male Chauvinist Joke

Marraige Or Prison

Don't Eat The Pork

A Blind Man's Cane.

Firehouse Joke

Six Inch Putt

A Guy Goes Into A Pharmacy

Blonde And Beautiful Going To New York

Crime And Punishment

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