JOKES INDEX

Joke: A chicken and an egg check into a cheap motel room. Moments later the chicken sits up against the headboard and lights a cigarette. The egg says, "Well, that settles that."

Joke: Why did Minie Mouse get kicked out of the sand box?

Joke: Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Seagall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they would portray, as long as they were very famous."Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him.""Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano" said Willis. "I'll play him.""I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Seagall. "I'd like to play him."Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, looking at Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"So Arnold says, "I'll be Bach."

Joke: I was reminded today just how awful my wife's cooking was when we were first married. Yes, it's cliche but it's true. It was so bad that I teased her relentlessly. Recently, after an exceptionally exquisite meal, I put my fork down and asked her to what she attributed her acquired culinary mastery. She smiled a warm smile and looked at me as if I were an angel of light delivering divine revelation."Well," she said as her voice took on an ethereal grace, "I believe it is a reflection of my heart. That the joy and love I feel are manifest in my cooking, in my gardening, in our children, in everything! I believe all things in life turn out well if they are done soulfully and honestly.""Damn, baby," I said, my head awhirl at the thoughts and sounds from the woman next to me. "I'm going to call that shrink of yours and tell him he has finally nailed the combination of prozac, lithium and paxil."

Joke: Airplanes are better that women because... 1. An airplane will kill you quickly...a woman takes her time.2. Airplanes like to do it inverted.3. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.4. An airplane's thrust to weight ratio is higher.5. An airplane does not get mad if you 'touch and go.' 6. An airplane does not object to a preflight inspection. 7. Airplanes come with manuals. 8. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limits. 9. You can fly an airplane any time of the month. 10. Airplanes don't come with in-laws. 11. Airplanes don't whine unless something is really wrong. 12. Airplanes don't care about how many other airplanes you have flown. 13. When flying, you and your airplane both arrive at the same time. 14. Airplanes don't mind if you look at other airplanes, or if you buy airplane magazines. 15. It's OK to use tiedowns on your airplane.

Joke: Isn't it ironic that some woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various pads that would make a line-backer envious, has implants and assorted other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a "real" man.

Joke: What is the definition of eternity?

Joke: It was decided by Microsoft during a brilliant brainstorming session that military service would improve the skills and discipline of their finest technician. So off to boot camp he went. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target. The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. "Hmmm" he thought, "I'll get to the bottom of this in no time." He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He pointed his still loaded rifle at the ground in front of him and fired. A cloud of dust kicked up, and a little dimple was left there in the dust. "Yep, it's working," he concluded. The technician yelled out to the others at the target end, "The rifle is in working order and the bullet seems to be leaving this end just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

Joke: A chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class, closely observe the worms," said the professor while putting a worm into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. He then put the second worm into the whiskey. It curled up and writhed about painfully, then quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we learn from this experiment?" the professor asked. Donny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely, responded confidently, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms."

Joke: A man went camping in the woods by himself. He awoke early in the morning to hear a strange growling sound. He looked out to see a bear. He immediately began to run as fast as he could. The bear was gaining on him and he finally gave up hope, fell on his knees and said "Oh God, please let this be a Christian bear! "He turned to see the bear on his knees saying "Lord bless this food I am about to recieve..."