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Joke: What do you call a couple who share an Amazon account?
Joke: If your home doesn't have house numbers on it, you should address that!
Joke: Why is "dark" spelled with a "K" and not a "C"?
Joke: Saturday night I was in a bar having a beer, minding my own business, when this big, hairy, mean, drunk biker dude gets in my face, and starts screaming "SUGAR IS THE ONLY WORD IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE WHERE THE S SOUNDS LIKE SH. AM I RIGHT?" I didn't want to cause any trouble, so i said "Sure."
Joke: How does Rudolph know when Christmas is coming?
Joke: The cashier told me, "Strip down facing me". By the time I realized they meant the debit card, it was too late.
Joke: If you don't pay your exorcist do you get repossessed?
Joke: Why did the headless horseman start his own business?
Joke: What do you get if you cross a ghost with a sailor?
Joke: Why did the two elephants decide not to go swimming together?
Joke: What do scientist to with dog bones?
Joke: What do you call a cat that doesn't tell the truth?
Joke: Why do male dogs float in water?
Joke: I was accused of stealing a thesaurus. I was not only shocked but appalled, aghast, and dismayed.
Joke: Apparently you can't use "Beefstew" as a password... It's not stroganoff.
Joke: I used to be addicted to the Hokey Pokey, but I turned myself around.
Joke: I almost tripped over my wife’s bra the other day... I'm sure it was a booby trap.
Joke: If anyone gets a message from me about canned meat don’t open it... It's Spam!
Joke: How do you cut lightning?
Joke: If two vegans get into an argument... is it still considered a beef?
Joke: What do you call a duck on the 4th of July?
Joke: What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Joke: I Called my work this morning and said, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today, I have a wee cough." He said, "You have a wee cough?" I said, "Really, Thanks boss, see you next week!"
Joke: What did the sushi say to the bee?
Joke: Why couldn't the flower ride its bike?
Joke: What kind of people never get angry?
Joke: What do you call a fake noodle?
Joke: What do you give a sick lemon?
Joke: How do you get a mouse to smile?
Joke: What do you call Chewbacca when he gets chocolate in his fur?
Joke: What do you get from a pampered cow?
Joke: A group of four-year-olds were trying very hard to become accustomed to school. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. "John what did you do over the weekend?" "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words," she said. She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT."
Joke: What kind of tree fits in your hand?
Joke: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
Joke: What is a monster's favorite dessert?
Joke: What do polar bears like to eat?
Joke: My friend Jack claims he can communicate with vegetables. Jack and the beans talk.
Joke: I caught my son chewing on electrical cords. So I grounded him. He's doing better currently. And conducting himself properly...
Joke: Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
Joke: Out of all the inventions over the last 100 years, the dry erase board is the most remarkable.
Joke: What's a cats favorite color?
Joke: I dated a crosseyed girl but I just knew she was seeing someone on the side.
Joke: Why did the two EMT's travel together?
Joke: Girl 1: "This morning my dad gave me soap-flakes instead of corn flakes for breakfast!" Girl 2: "I bet you were angry with him!" Girl 1: "Angry?! I was foaming at the mouth!"
Joke: How much did Santa pay to park his sleigh?
Joke: What do you call a crocodile with GPS?
Joke: What's a nacho's favorite dance?
Joke: What do you call a tree that does science experiments?
Joke: What happens when a strawberry gets run over crossing the street?
Joke: Did you hear about the pig with laryngitis?
Joke: What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Joke: Why did the scarecrow win the Nobel Prize?
Joke: What do you call a bunch of rabbits walking backwards?
Joke: How did the gingerbread man treat his injured leg?
Joke: What do snowmen have for breakfast?
Joke: What's is a pirates favorite country?
Joke: I once met a Korean martial artist who was giving away free chocolate bars. I asked him if I could take two. He said “No! You can Taekwondo.”
Joke: What do you call a thieving alligator?
Joke: How does an astronaut cut his hair on the moon?
Joke: What do you call a Grizzly with no teeth?
Joke: I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me the Thesaurus throat I've ever had.
Joke: Dogs can't read an MRI but CATScan!
Joke: What is the hardest tea to swallow!
Joke: What do clouds wear?
Joke: Why didn't the lamp sink?
Joke: What is a tree's favorite drink?
Joke: When you teach a wolf to meditate he becomes aware wolf!
Joke: Pat is at the airport with a sack over each shoulder. When he is stopped at customs they fin that both sacks are full of mobile phones. When asked why Pat said, "Well, while I was on my travels in America, I got a phone call from my mate Mick and he told me he was starting a Jazz band and could I bring him two saxophones."
Joke: What's in the middle of a jellyfish?
Joke: My friend David lost his id, we now call him Dav.
Joke: Tonight we're having Himalayan rabbit stew for dinner. We found him-a-layan in the road.
Joke: Why do tigers have stripes?
Joke: What did 50 Cent do when he was hungry?
Joke: What do you call a monkey who loves potato chips?
Joke: What do you call a funny mountain?
Joke: Where do baby fish sleep?
Joke: Why didn't the ghost eat his candy?
Joke: Why did the vegetable call a plumber?
Joke: I hate it when people don't know the difference between "your" and "you're". There stupid.
Joke: What did the upset toast say about my compliments?
Joke: What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Joke: What do you call an old apple?
Joke: What kind of bird works at a construction site?
Joke: What’s Grey and not very heavy?
Joke: Is "Buttcheeks" one word?
Joke: What do you call two pigs playing tug of war?
Joke: What is the difference between a cat and a comma?
Joke: Why do they call them apartments when they are all stuck together?
Joke: What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?
Joke: Would February March? No, but April May.
Joke: What day of the week does a potato hate the most?
Joke: What's a golfer's favorite letter?
Joke: Where do football players go to get a new uniform?
Joke: A little know fact... Before the crowbar was invented, most crows drank at home.
Joke: What do robots have with their guacamole?
Joke: What is blue and not heavy?
Joke: The Flat Earth Society recently announced that they now have members all around the globe.
Joke: We should ban jokes about clones... they're all the same!
Joke: How do you get a farm girls attention?
Joke: Why are pirates great singers?