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Joke: Whenever I try and eat healthy a chocolate bar looks at me and snickers!
Joke: It's CORN! + Who let the DOGS OUT? What is it?
Joke: What soft drink do pigs like best?
Joke: Hey, did you hear about the actress Reese... something, who commited suicide?
Joke: Bono and Edge walk into a bar. The bartender says,"Not U2 again."
Joke: Why do melons have weddings?
Joke: Bully got toasted because...
Joke: How many bites of the forbidden fruit did Adam and Eve take?
Joke: What did the dog say to the tree?
Joke: Why are sandals so indecisive?
Joke: What did the pig dress up as for Halloween?
Joke: What is the funniest landscape?
Joke: Why can't ticks keep a secret?
Joke: Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something.
Joke: Did you know that people who have to wear glasses with their mask... may be entitled to condensation.
Joke: What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Joke: Why wouldn't they let the butterfly in to the dance?
Joke: I try to say "mucho" when I'm around my Hispanic friends... It means a lot to them!
Joke: Tom the turkey played baseball... Unfortunately, he hit a fowl ball!
Joke: Two prawns were swimming around in the ocean. One called Justin and the other called Kristian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area: Finally one day Justin said to Kristian. "I'm fed up with being a prawn. I wish I was a shark and then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten." A large mysterious cod appeared and said. "Your wish is granted" Low and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Kristian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate. Time passed (as it does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn... He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam to Kristian's home. As he opened the coral gate, memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted. "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again," Kristian replied. "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner." Justin cried back. "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed... I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again Kristian."
Joke: What part of a museum has the most allergies?
Joke: I like telling Dad jokes. Sometimes he laughs!
Joke: Two Irishmen saw the sign "Tree fellers wanted". The first Irishman said, "If Pat had been with us we'd have got that job."
Joke: How do the kids of dentists get around the neighborhood?
Joke: What's brown and sticky?
Joke: Be careful when you eat at Sam and Ella's diner.
Joke: Two prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on top of their car which said: "Two Prostitutes -- $50.00." A policeman, seeing the sign, stopped them and told them they'd either have to remove the sign or go to jail. Just at that time, another car passed with a sign saying: "JESUS SAVES." One of the girls asked the officer, "How come you don't stop them?!" "Well, that's a little different," the officer smiled . . . "Their sign pertains to religion." So the two ladies of the night frowned as they took their sign down and drove off. The following day found the same police officer in the area when he noticed the two ladies driving around with a large sign on their car again. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he began to catch up with them when he noticed the new sign which now read: "Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter -- $50.00."
Joke: Which tree is the most pensive?
Joke: What music do optometrists listen to?
Joke: What do you get when a pig mixes two colours?
Joke: What kind of shoes does a frog wear?
Joke: Do you hear about the Rabbi who didn't charge for circumcisions?
Joke: How does a Japanese dog say hello?
Joke: A couple lived near the ocean and walked the beach a lot. One summer they noticed a girl who was at the beach almost every day. She wasn't unusual, nor was the travel bag she carried, except for one thing, she would approach people who were sitting on the beach, glance around, then speak to them. Generally, the people would respond negatively and she would wander off, but occasionally someone would nod and there would be a quick exchange of money for something she carried in her bag. The couple assumed she was selling drugs and debated calling the cops, but since they didn't know for sure they just continued to watch her. After a couple of weeks, the wife asked, "Honey, have you ever noticed that she only goes up to people with boom boxes and other electronic devices?" He hadn't and said so. Then she said, "Tomorrow I want you to get a towel and our big radio and go lie out on the beach. Then we can find out what she's really doing." Well, the plan went off without a hitch, and the wife was almost hopping up and down with anticipation when she saw the girl talk to her husband and then leave. The man walked up the beach and met his wife on the road. "Well, is she selling drugs?" she asked excitedly. "No, she's not," he said, enjoying this probably more than he should have. "Well, what is it, then?" his wife fairly shrieked. The man grinned and said. "She's selling batteries." "Batteries?" cried the wife. "Yes," he replied. "She sells C cells by the Seashore."
Joke: In which river are you sure to find snakes?
Joke: What do you call farm animals with a sense of humor?
Joke: Why do Leprechauns like to garden?
Joke: When is it bad luck to be followed by a black cat?
Joke: A horse walks into a bar. The bartender say, "Hey." The horse replies, "Sure!"
Joke: What kind of cars do cats drive?
Joke: I told my therapist that I couldn't get the Grease Soundtrack out of my head.
Joke: What was the most popular dance in 1776?
Joke: Where do cows go on Friday nights?
Joke: What do you call a bunny rabbit with a lot of money?
Joke: Why did the husband bring his wife a small lizard?
Joke: My friend was down in the dumps the other day so I let her color the tattoo on the top of my arm. She just needed a shoulder to crayon.
Joke: Why did the butcher work extra hours at the shop?
Joke: Why didn’t the skeleton want to go to school?
Joke: I was kidnapped by mimes... They did unspeakable things to me.
Joke: What kind of key opens a haunted house?
Joke: The guy who stole my iPad... He should FaceTime!
Joke: Seven days without a taco makes Juan weak!
Joke: Who is Santa's favorite singer?
Joke: Why can't you whisper in class?
Joke: Why do we tell actors to "Break a leg"?
Joke: What type a dog laughs at every joke?
Joke: What do you call a group of lions marching in the savannah?
Joke: Why did the art thief's van run out of gas as he drove away from the museum?
Joke: Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
Joke: When French people stub their toe, do they say "Ow-Oui"?
Joke: Why would a pig dressed in all black never get bullied?
Joke: A married couple is sleeping when the phone rings at 3 AM. The wife picks up the phone and, after a few seconds, replies, "How am I supposed to know? We're 200 miles inland!" and hangs up. Her husband rolls over and asks, "Sweetheart, who was that?" "I don’t know, some dumb woman asking if the coast is clear."
Joke: What dog breed would Dracula love to have as a pet?
Joke: What makes trick or treating with twin witches so challenging?
Joke: Why did the author put on a sweater?
Joke: What does it take to be an organ donor?
Joke: Doctor says I have the Christmas flu. He called it tinselitis.
Joke: I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough... I've just handed in my TOO WEAK notice!
Joke: Did you hear about the zoo where the only exhibit was a dog?
Joke: How do you steal a coat?
Joke: What do you give your dog when you want it to be quiet?
Joke: Paleontologists are having a party to celebrate unearthing the largest ever dinosaur tibia... It's going to be quite the dinosaur shin-dig.
Joke: Why were the two science books holding hands?
Joke: What does it take to get a PhD in Dad Jokes?
Joke: Why was the old woman forced to live in a shoe?
Joke: What's a monster's favorite play?
Joke: What position does a ghost play on his hockey team?
Joke: Where do sheep go on vacation?
Joke: Did you know? You can distinguish between an alligator and a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or after a while.
Joke: What do you call a zoo with no dogs?
Joke: What do you get if you are allergic to noodles?
Joke: Why did the dragon sleep all day?
Joke: I hear there's now a sine flu as well. Someone on the news was going off on a tangent about it.
Joke: Since Mary is the mother of Jesus and Jesus is the lamb of God... Does that mean Mary had a little lamb?
Joke: My wife asked me to clear the dining table...I had to get a running start but I made it!
Joke: When Gathering Berries... You have to be picky!
Joke: I have a joke about pizza... It's a little cheesy!
Joke: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Joke: How do we know that trees poop?
Joke: What building in your town has the most stories?
Joke: Why don't marketers like trampolines?
Joke: What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
Joke: Does anyone know how to stop condensation in my home? Please call, the kettle is always on.
Joke: Why do demons and ghouls hang out together?
Joke: What do witches put on to go trick or treating?
Joke: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
Joke: What happens when you stay up all night on Halloween?
Joke: What room do ghost avoid?
Joke: What's a snake favorite school subject?
Joke: Midwives deserve a lot of respect... They really help people out!