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Joke: Wife, "Honey, don't forget to buy bread when you come home from work and your girlfriend Valerie greets you." Husband, "Who is Valerie?" Wife, "Nobody, I just wanted you to answer, to have confirmation that you saw buy text." Husband, "But I'm with Valerie right now, I thought you saw me?" Wife, "What?! Where are you?" Husband, "Near the bakery." Wife, "Wait, I'm coming right now!" After five minutes the wife sends a message: Wife, "I'm at the bakery, where are you?" Husband, "I'm at work. Now that you're at the bakery, you can buy the bread!"
Joke: If two witches watched two watches, which witch would watch which watch?
Joke: The wicked witch from the south watches the watch that’s turning anti-clockwise, so now everyone knows now which witch watches what watch.
Joke: If you see me smiling, it's because I'm thinking of doing something naughty. If you see me laughing, I've already done it.
Joke:
If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada.
If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada.
If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,
You may live in Canada.
If 'Vacation' means going anywhere
South of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada.
If you measure distance in hours,
You may live in Canada.
If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada.
If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'
In the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada.
If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow
During a raging blizzard without flinching,
You may live in Canada.
If you install security lights on your house and garage,
But leave both unlocked,
You may live in Canada.
If you carry jumper cables in your car
And your wife knows how to use them,
You may live in Canada.
If you design your kid's Halloween costume
To fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada.
If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --
You're going 95 and everybody is passing you,
You may live in Canada.
If driving is better in the winter
Because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada.
If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter,
and road construction,
You may live in Canada.
If you have more miles
On your snow blower than your car,
You may live in Canada.
If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly',
You may live in Canada.
If you actually understand these jokes,
and forward them to all your friends,
you definitely are Canadian and proud to be.
Joke: To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn't on top of your car anymore.
Joke: A smile is a sign of joy, a hug is a sign of love, a laugh is a sign of happiness, and a friend like me, well, that's a sign of good taste.
Joke: I think my neighbor is stalking me as she's been Googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
Joke: Only when a mosquito lands on your testicles... do you learn to solve problems without violence.
Joke: I bought a new deodorant today. The instructions said, "Remove cap and push up bottom." Now I can barely walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely!